Guest Post: Good in Bed

My dear friend was unable to post this on her blog since the stylist involved reads it. But the story must be told. And here it is.

My last hair appointment ended up being a little more educational than I thought it would be. I was sitting in the chair, making casual conversation with my hair dresser, when she suddenly paused and said, a little solemnly, "I need to tell you something before you get married."

This was a surprising announcement, since I'm not dating anyone and, while I like my hair dresser and have been going to her for a couple of years, we're not exactly on "share deep words of wisdom" terms. But, taking this to be an indication that I should remind her at some future date that she wanted to share something with me, I said okay and prepared to let the conversation drop.

Little did I know that the conversation was not to end there. After a few minutes of indecision, she girded up her mental loins and said, "No, I can't wait. I have to tell you now." I put on my politely serious face that I reserve for unsolicited advice. In my case, this usually takes the form of tips on how to attract men. The ensuing lecture, to which I listened with growing amazement and little personal contribution, went something like this:

HER: Before I got married, I slept with a lot of different men.

(Whoa! Totally didn't see that one coming!)

HER: And I learned something really important. I learned that the most good-looking guys are not necessarily the best in bed.

(I cannot adequately type the number of exclamation points this statement incited in my mind!)

HER: I slept with a really good-looking guy and, you know what? He wasn't really all that good in bed. But one of the best guys I slept with was not all that attractive at all. Do you know why that was? (I shook my head gingerly in response. She had a razor and a pair of scissors to my head - I was a captive audience.) It was because he was really, really good to me. I'm fortunate that now I'm married to a guy who I find attractive and who is good in bed, too.

(Wait a minute, wasn't she telling me a few months ago that her husband was excessively hairy and that she preferred him to leave his shirt on so she didn't have to look at it?)

HER: But just know, when you get married, that the cutest guys are not always the best in bed.

Fortunately about that time other customers came into the salon and the conversation became so deeply coded (she didn't want to share her acquired wisdom with everyone) that it quickly lost its impact and turned to more general matters. But not before I was well-educated in what to look for in my future relationships.

Oh, you might ask, how on earth did this topic even come up? I mentioned, in passing, that a friend had loaned me Thor to watch before I go to see The Avengers. Apparently my hair dresser does not feel that the lead in Thor is as good-looking as everyone else seems to think him and is probably, as a result of his own opinion of his sex appeal, not very adroit in his bedroom talents. Go figure...

Contentment

So I was on Pinterest today. This is usual for me and a good form of entertainment. I was led to a blog with loads of great ideas and it got me thinking about all the cool stuff I could do. No - all the cool stuff I now needed to do. And I started feeling anxious and, oddly, less than.  Sites like this are supposed to be helpful - give you ideas to simplify, to solve problems in new ways, to "do it yourself." Instead I discovered the things I lack which thing had never occurred to me before. Like I can't be happy yet because I haven't cut out sugar and my house doesn't have crown molding.
It's a lot like porn. Stay with me now. I heard sometime somewhere (good reference) that porn damages sex lives, even when couples view together. Why is this thing? It is because the movie or picture is idealized and the couples are never able to live up to it. They are continually discontent with themselves because they are convinced that they should be able to do what no human has ever done, and be what not human has ever been.
For someone as blessed as I am, discontentment is absurd. I'm crazy. No matter what I have, it's not enough, even if someone else points the blessing out. I have to someone reach and even higher standard. I'm Paulie Bleeker.

Juno: It's like, you're the coolest person I know and you don't even try.

Bleeker: I try really hard actually. 

The teens in my life are always on about how they "can be their own man" and they "aren't influenced by anything" and I think, yeah right, man, tell me you don't need those Jordans. Ahh, kids. But I am an adult yet I'm just as easily beguiled. My only virtue is that I'm more aware that I'm totally falling for some facade.  I'm Alice in the Rabbit Hole. I see it's a problem but I just keep sinking.
End the madness. Stop exposing yourself. It just creates a sense of "I lack" and you don't. Here's a better idea. I'll solve my own problems and create my own art, thank you very much. I'll fill a need when I see it not when you point it out to me. And I'll come out myself and content.

"For I ought to be content with the things which the Lord hath allotted unto me."

Alma 29:3

I think I'll go write about all the things I already have and how happy I am about it.

For more on contentment, check this out.

Judgement

In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since. "Whenever you feel like criticising anyone," he told me, "just remember that all the people in this world haven't had the advantages that you've had." 

F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

Judgment is labeling things with an opinionated statement, writing something down as one way when another might well write it down oppositely. The play was a bore; he's a moron; the music was amazing. This is quite alright except that we may or may not be representing actual truth. In many instances we probably are. However, there are many instances where we are wrong due to misinformation. Said Benjamin Franklin,

"And whether you're an honest man, or whether you're a thief, depends on whose solicitor has given me my brief."

Judgment, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.

We can conjecture and suppose, but few things in life are uncomplicated and our knowledge of the thing complete enough to conclusively pronounce righteousness. This idea is related to interpersonal relationships(and expanded) in this  message from President Dieter F. Uchtdorf. He points out the danger in passing judgment on others when we aren't in their body and cannot take into account all their experience. Often we "mind read" - believing that we can suppose another's thoughts and motivations based on their actions. It is a slippery slope and one with - I can say from experience - with a hard bottom of reality. In talking to someone the other day, she explained the demonic motivations of a third party. "Did she say that?" I asked. "No," came the reply, and I knew, because I had spoken to the third party, that my friend's assumptions were just that, however reasonable it seemed from the third party's behavior.

In pondering judgement I notice that I am most harshly critical of myself when I am harshly critical of others. The nonacceptance I pour out to others comes back to me stronger when I look in the mirror. I'm am not a hypocrite. If I expect it of you, I'll expect it of me, and perhaps more so. This has led to miserable feelings. Being unsatisfied with others is frustrating and draining. Berating yourself is equally (or perhaps more) damaging and depressing. The essence of judging is nonacceptance and all nonacceptance leads to depression and anxiety.

Now, before you judge me as being unnecessarily critical of judgment*, let me explain judgment has its place. We rely on it. I must judge the safety of food (yet I've misjudged and been sick or misjudged and thrown out perfectly edible food); judge the reliability of others (I take a leap of faith when a plumber or electrician comes, and so far, so good); or judge to appropriateness of any decision (it's gone both ways on this one). If I relied on absolute perfect appraisals I would be paralyzed. Judgment is the mother of decision and thus the grandmother of progression.

It seems to me that there must be a balance of judgment. If judgment does not move the judge into better places, it is of no worth and should be discarded. For example, criticism of self should only be helpful in motivating positive and appropriate change; it should not be used to shame or punish.

Might I suggest an alternative way to judge that does not involve opinions or labels? This idea is taken from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). The idea is that instead of labeling something as good or bad or right or wrong (which has with it the pit of possibly being untrue) we describe the thing and decide on its helpfulness to our current situation. To describe something is to point out its attributes, those which cannot be contested - it's green, the cheese has mold on it, she's wearing Gucci. Then look at the facts - indisputable - and decide if they're helpful. In this way, nothing is evil or bad or even good. It either promotes my goals, or does not, and I shall choose (provided I'm sane in the moment) what promotes my goals. If saying those things to a friend seems to draw the friend further from me, I won't do that again. If wearing green brings out my eyes, then may all my clothes be green.

Take from this what is helpful, discard the rest, but whatever you do, don't give it the bland, nondescript title of good or bad.

*True judgment is simply labeling something and may well be that I've label something positively. In this essay I focus almost exclusively on negative labels. I must add here that positive labels can be equally precarious, resulting is poor decision making, and I continue to recommend my method of describing over labeling. 

Call Me Maybe

This is my new favorite thing. It's Carly Rae Jepson's song "Call Me Maybe." Justin Bieber just signed her and   then this video appeared. You may recognize some faces. I love it because it's just a bunch of friends getting together and goofing off. Also I find the song slightly profound. Call me. Maybe.

Happy Birthday!

Milla came in town and had a birthday so we had a party. 

Happy Birthday, Milla!

Vernal-oliday!

I pursuit of a years-long dream my mom, sister, and I traveled a bazillion hours to Vernal to visit the temple. I'm trying to get to all of the Utah temples. And, while we were there, we visited my aunt (my father's sister) and my uncle who breed cows. We also dropped by Dinosaur National Park. Lovely!

The temple, converted from a tabernacle. It's gorgeous inside and out. 

My Aunt Vee and Uncle Lyle - don't worry, they're only in their 80s and still calving! 

The moms who are about to "go" any time.

The 2-day old calf whom I named "Puppy."

Jump shot with Fred and Mom

Big bone

Mom and Fred

The bones gathered in a river bed and earthquakes put it on its side. 

Letting Go of Guilt

"A strange thing happened then. The Speaker agreed with her that she had made a mistake that night, and she knew when he said the words that it was true, that his judgment was correct. And yet she felt strangely healed, as if simply speaking her mistake were enough to purge some of the pain of it. For the first time, then, she caught a glimpse of what the power of speaking might be. It wasn't a matter of confession, penance, and absolution, like the priests offered. It was something else entirely. Telling the story of who she was, and then realizing that she was no longer the same person. That she had made a mistake, and the mistake had changed her, and now she would not make the mistake again because she had become someone else, someone less afraid, someone more compassionate" (Orson Scott Card, Speaker for the Dead 212).

I've seen first hand the pain and emotional stagnation of not forgiving ourselves or feeling forgiven. (I can't tell you exactly how I know because it would be a HIPAA violation.) That is what the gospel of Jesus Christ is really about - that you can be different than you have been and that you don't have to be burdened with the guilt and regret of your past mistakes.

The Atonement of Jesus Christ takes away the pain and guilt so that we "can find rest unto [our]souls."

Wah-wah (horn blowing failure)

She had but one goal: to learn the name of a male in the congregation. The males were few in number and after six weeks, not one had emerged to proclaimed himself as one to possess an identity. In the after feast, she and her wing-woman sat at an empty table, inviting fate to give her what she wanted. Then they came. Tyler and Blake. Talkative, friendly, interested. And respectively 3 and 6. 

Things That I Love That I'm Thinking About

In the tradition of Mindy Kaling and Things That I Bought That I Love, I want to write about Things That I Love That I'm Thinking About. 

1. There is much incorrect grammar in the world. One concern of late are less versus fewer. I hear things like this: "There were less people there than before." It's atrocious. My ears are metaphorically bleeding. Fewer is used when you can count the thing, as in "I have few friends with incorrect grammar" or "There were fewer than 8 people at the party." Less is used when you can't count the things or it doesn't have a plural form, as in "Use less flour next time" or "It's just less of a hassle." Also let's make sure that "is" and "are" match up with the nouns. It's so embarrassing to come to the end of the sentence only to realize you said the wrong verb. For example "There is fifty people in the room." Eek. As an aside, I'm currently pondering on the word "friends" as a predicate adjective ("we are friends"). And I'm still confused on that versus which. But this I know: you've got to know how to use whom and the oxford comma is not dead.

2. I enjoy the writing of Orson Scott Card. So much I do. Why it took me so long to delve into his writing I can indeed say. I didn't have faith that he could continue to write well and come up with interesting plots, especially considering the sci-fi factor. Yet he has done this thing. He weaves a wonderful, complex, thought-provoking, human story. Also, his books make me feel smart - like I'm learning something. Also, he uses biblical references in clever ways and I feel like I'm in on some secret club because I get the reference.

3. I recommend the movie Midnight in Paris. Beautiful filming, fantastic script, unique story line. 

4. It's important to develop intellectually. We have the benefit of thousands of years of human history, exploration, experience, and discovery. Some topics aren't enriching; "boys and their idiocy" for example. I feel like that's x hours of my life I'll never get back. I've enjoyed meeting up with some old friends I rarely see and talking about what they are reading and thinking and feeling and I'm enriched after the chat because I've been able to steal a bit of their wisdom and add it to my own. We have so much to learn and so much possible growth that there is no reason to employ are intellect in less-than-worthy subjects.

5. At the same time, I'm so tired after work that it's all I can do to read the scriptures and gain an ounce of some original, Spirit-inspired thought. I'm not sure what to do about the problem of human weakness. If there was some way to tap into our potential without the restrictions of our own limits then we'd truly amount to something. For the time being I suppose we do what we can with what we have and rely on the promise that "we are laying of a foundation of great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great."

6. I don't think I'll ever be able to spell ridiculous the first time around. Oh wait, I just did. Miracle of miracles. Oh well, I still have the frequent misspellings of develop, commitment, and disappoint. 

7. I love three musicians. Dashboard Confessional, Ingrid Michaelson, and Adele. There must be something subconscious that resonates because I cannot articulate why listening to these three feels so right.

8. There is more to be gained by believing in the goodness of people than in skepticism. If anything, assuming nobility of intent is the more pleasant thought, especially when we are limited to how much we can make others bend to our will. Of course we'll sometimes be disappointed, but that will, I believe, be the exception and not the rule. 

To come full circle, I would recommend a perusal of Mindy Kaling's website and her new book, although this book might go against #4. No one can follow all their covinctions all the time. 

It's a Beautiful Day

I accomplished a grand total of none of my New Year's Resolutions from last year.

And moving on...

SOME THINGS I'D REALLY LIKE TO DO THIS YEAR IF POSSIBLE

AKA 12 Goals for 2012

1. Whatever calling I get ('cause I just moved to a new house!), to really get into it, make time for it, and do it wholeheartedly -- kind of a with-all-your-heart-might-mind-and-strength objectives.

2. Hang out with my sister Marlisa more.

3. Do Saturday house projects for a while, like, until the house doesn't need it.

4. Work on family history - transcribing, temple worker.

5. Blog more often. Well-written/edited/coherent. And blog more about my beliefs. And probably print my blog in a book like I've been meaning to.

6. Learn how to do trauma work, which makes more sense if you're a therapist; so, all my therapist friends understand this item.

7. Be present with people.

8. Serve more often and it varied ways, like I really want to sign up to be a bone marrow donor and I just haven't gotten around to it.

9. Eat cookies (my insurance policy against not following through on anything like I didn't follow through last year).

10. Listen better (with more empathy) and make people beg for advice from me.

11. Learn to work my camera.

12. Be smarter. Just in general. Like, know more stuff.

Honorable mentions (stuff I might do, but the commitment isn't completely there)

1. Go abroad.

2. See Adele in concert - if she can do concerts.

3. Scrapbook, which means printing out photos into a book. I don't know; is this out of vogue? Can't history just look at my facebook page or my blog?

Here's hoping!