Krank

I've been sick this weekend. I guess that whatever the boys have I can know that I'll eventually get it. Being sick is the pits in general. Pain is the pits in general. However there can be some perks to illness. Namely, Friday night I was allowed to spend nearly 8 hours doing nothing but watching Goal (hot, hot, hot) and TV. Saturday I attempted to rest but decided to take in a play and basketball game, both of which were enjoyable (well, all four acts of The Importance of Being Earnest was a bit long) and tiring. Yet the music at the game was so inspiring that I can home and watched the first half of Step Up 2. If only I could dance like that. *Sigh* Well, maybe after the resurrection. So Sunday I also vegged out to the Princess Diaries 2. My room is a mess and I've done nothing of real value. And there is no guilt. That is the ultimate perk -- guilt free gluttony and laziness. 

Abundant Life

I've been able to have some fantastic experiences in the past couple weeks. Sometimes I get into his mode were I mourn that I wasn't more rebellious as a teen (odd, I know) but when I look at photos of my very abundant life, Friday night movies at 15, 16, and 17 don't actually seem that awful. I'm still exciting and interesting.

First was my nephew Isaac's baptism in Idaho. I drove up with my sister and stayed two nights. I really enjoyed chillaxing with my too-much-fun family.

My dear friend Vali and I went out to dinner. I knew her when I lived in Germany (when she was just 15! Five years ago!) but she's living this year in New York as an au pair. The family was in SLC to ski. We stayed out way too long for a Wednesday, but she's one of those people with whom you can just keep talking and talking. And she was nice enough to listen to my disintegrating German the whole night although her English is beyond perfect.

My homegirls and I took a trip to St. George. We stayed with K-dawg, our newest awesome friend. The weather was warmish. We hiked through beautiful red rocks, ate at In-n-Out (Utah's only), sang karaoke at a Hawaiin BBQ spot, and bowled in Mesquite. Homegirls is chill, as in: tons of fun and no drama.

I went camping with my boys at Heber Valley camp. I don't think anyone realized it was an LDS campground -- that the lady showing us around was Sister Lockhart, that we stayed in campground Lucy Mack Smith, and that a sign going out of the campground said "Stand for Truth and Righteousness." We cross-country skied (a first for me) and snowshoed, like, up the side of a mountain. The boys are so much fun when they are being obedient and normal. Rarities, indeed.

I became vegetarian for Lent. I know I'm not Catholic but it's a fun thing to try.

I booked a flight to Germany! I'm going in May with my mom. We'll hit Frankfurt and Berlin in Germany to visit sites and friends, then down to Salzburg. I love Salzburg. We'll hit some Mozart sites, and the Sound of Music Tour (can't miss it!), all in company of the incomparable Hannah, my girl from the mish. Then well head to the city I've been trying to get to for years -- Paris holds the key to my heart! I can't want to visit the d'Orsay.

Abundant indeed.

One step ahead

The longer I'm a therapist the more I realize that I am just one step ahead of my clients. The margin is scarily narrow. It's like God sends me the information I'm gonna need just the day before I need it.  And I find myself working in themes like: positive outlook, mourning, creating an identity. And I stick with them for, like, a whole week. 

And sometimes the angel that is supposed to send the message gets swamped and I'm not ahead of my clients at all. Case in point, I told one of my clients that if he was going to throw a fit he should get down on the ground. He then pointed out that when I got a little upset in group therapy, I did not throw my tantrum on the ground. And he was right. I threw my tantrum standing up. Client 1: Megan 0. 

And with all of my insecurities and the sure knowledge that I am winging most of what I do, I have moments where my clients let me know I haven't completely messed them up. Today a mom whose son is discharged wrote to me about the struggles of having her son home. At the end of her email she just wrote, We miss you. *Wipe the tear.* 

We are all doing the best we can. And we're all still just working at it. We're just people.

We should only judge those stupid enough to end up on TV. ;)

Valentine's Day 2009

Valentine's Day is my favorite holiday, in case you didn't know. My supervisor said it was a financial ploy made up by the card and candy companies to make money. Poppycock. From what I read it has to do with Christian martyrs named Valentine and gets associated with love by none other that Chaucer -- long before greeting Hallmark or conversation hearts were invented...

I really wanted to celebrate so I had three parties. On Friday we got the girls in our ward together to eat food and tell bad date stories -- the equals of which I have not heard. Our merriment was interrupted by the announcement that some of our cars had been defiled by Saran wrap and toilet paper. The perps are still at large and considered to be stinky and have stale food. 

On Saturday afternoon I hosted a fancy-schmancy Tea Party. We drank tea, had little sandwiches, scones, and chocolate covered strawberries.

That evening I went to SLC with Kate, Rhiannon, and Julia for a night of fun and adventure. We ate at The Dodo. Can you say yummy? We told secrets, laughed, and really, really enjoyed the eats. We stayed at the Little America where we fully embraced the hot tub, tried to embrace the indoor/outdoor pool, and wanted to marry the sauna. We stayed up late for a flick and fell into the deep sleep of the worn-out. In the morning we took in Music and the Spoken Word and sauntered back to reality. 
I felt the love!

Pleasure in the Written Word

I should be reading all about DBT in preparation for a group I'm in. I have a lot of motivation to do this because my supervisor, on a number of occasions, has said, "That Marsha Linehan could have used a good editor. The first two chapters are really wordy." So you can understand haste I feel to read it.

So instead I realized I have time to read something I am interested in -- Girls in Pants, the Third Summer of the Sisterhood by Ann Brashares. I love the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series! This is where Kate roles her eyes and also tells me I can also watch Step Up 2 alone. 

The books are well written as far as those types of books are. By those types I mean books that have no other agenda other than pleasure. 

I love my Great Gatsby and A Tree Grows in Brooklyn and A Separate Peace -- but those books are thinkers; you are supposed to be edified or learn something or something like that. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, less so. No English teachers will feature these books but I think they are completely enjoyable.

Other enjoyable books are as follows:

Are You There God It's Me Margaret by Judy Blume. While entertaining, I must own that it changed my life.

Fifteen and the Luckiest Girl by Beverly Cleary. I've read these over and over.

The Harry Potter series by JK Rowling. Although it was magical (no pun intended) and emotional.

Catherine Called Birdie by Karen Cushman.

All-of-a-Kind Family series by Sydney Taylor . Never wanted to be Jewish more in my life.

What are you "pure entertainment" picks?

I want that too

Not sure what brought on this post. Just a random thought, not to be taken too too seriously.

Telling a single person, such as myself, to get with the program and fall in love is like unto:

Telling an infertile couple to try harder

Telling a starving child to go get a sandwich

Telling a teacher to make a million

Telling William Hung to win American Idol

All of us want what our advice givers want. We're doing all we can. But it's just not like grocery shopping. Some things are out of our control when it comes right down to it. I wish the focus would change from convincing people they should do what they already want to do and just focus on things that are in our control and are going well. I'm dealing with it in my way. Please do your best, dear friends, to not point out how out of control it is by asking me to control the impossible-to-control. 

Some unhelpful, well-intentioned things:

"I don't understand why you aren't married" (yeah, me neither)

Depending on who it's coming from - "I have someone to set you up with" (says to me, "You must be doing something wrong so I'll fix it)

"You need to get with the program" (is that what I'm supposed to be doing? never occurred to me)

"I just wish you could get married" (yeah, me too -- what are you expecting me to say?)

Some helpful, well-intentioned things:

"You look hot"

"What's up?"

"Did you see The Office?" (no seriously, it was hilarious)

"I love you"

I don't want this to be a wo-is-me post, because that is not how I approach life -- see below. This is just a random post about a fact that's kind of a big deal to me. Like, I'm doing and thinking about other stuff, but, yeah, I'd really like to be in love and even married. And I'm not weird for wanting that because I was built that way. But, like I said, I'm not, like, sitting around waiting for Prince Charming (because, with a name like that, he's probably gay) so don't get the wrong idea about this post. 

I'm going to go to bed now. If nothing else, we all can sleep -- medically induced or otherwise. :)

Blessed

I often repeat myself. I do it in therapy. There seems to be themes or "kicks" I go on. One theme that continual arises is that of positivity. Like, when did negative thinking every help anyone out of a bind? I think some people are addicted to feeling like crap. It's such a crucial part of their identity and way of getting pitiful attention, that even if they could give it up, they wouldn't. 

I have an awesome co-therapist, Eric. And I could just sit as his feet and catch all the pearls of wisdom that role from his tongue. This week he made an awesome point in a group therapy. No matter what has happened to you in life, you have to take responsibility for it. If my childhood was so messed up that I can barely function and it was not in any way my fault, I still have the responsibility to go to therapy, daily if needed, get the right meds, reads all the books, and do whatever it takes to make myself well. It's not my fault that my life sucks (maybe) but it is my fault if things aren't taken care of.

Today I just had an experience with a person that is do hell-bent on feeling like #$%^ that I want to murder this person and say "Tell me now what sucks." And this person is doing a grand total of squat to take care of things. So I have about a poop's worth of empathy. This is the place in my story where my supervisor refers to DBT and tells me that all people are doing their best... maybe they need to do better, he says, but they're doing their best.

Swear words. Radical acceptance. 

I'm not speaking about people with serious illness. I understand depression. I really do. I'm talking about something else (although depressed people have the responsibility to take care of that too). I struggle to accept people who make it everyone else's job to keep them happy. It's entitlement. It's never being satisfied with what you have. Look around, sister/brother, you don't deserve any of it. We all don't. You are so focused on what God hasn't given you, that you ignore what He has given you. Enjoy the misery but please don't tell me about it. 

There is so much good in life. And you, dear friend, have it so good. You are asleep right now and not worried about if you will eat tomorrow, or if you will be caught in the cross-fire, or if your government will suddenly decide that they'd be better off if you were dead. You aren't worried that your dad is going to come into your room tonight and mess up all the intimate relationships you may ever have. You know where every single family member is right now. Every limb works. You can be whatever you want to be because your brain functions at a high capacity. You have expendable cash. Your family loves you. You have free time to sit around feeling sorry for yourself. There is gorgeous snow and in a few months, beautiful flowers, and warm summer evenings, and clouds and sunsets, and dirt, and the smell of freshly cut grass or when the heater comes on for the first time that season. You aren't thinking that your husband is going to leave you, that your kids will despise you. You aren't alone somewhere waiting to die; you just live like you are. Your house is warm in the winter and cool in the summer. I could go on but I'm about to get into my large, warm bed, and sleep soundly so I can have energy at my job that I love. 

I hope you can see the beauty that is already around you. One day. And when you do, I'd love to talk.

Rejected!

So tonight I got rejected for the first time. I know, crazy. What was he thinking? Yeah, and I've never been honestly and assuredly rejected. 

I've been, in a sick way, looking forward to rejection. It means I get Ben and Jerry's and I can cry and it's like one of my favorite episodes of Gilmore, when Rory and Dean are broken up and Rory refuses to wallow but then she kisses Tristan and decides to wallow after all. 

Tonight wasn't exactly that night however. It just wasn't that bad and I'd feel kind of stupid crying over something so small for drama's sake. But I did talk to Kate for a while and began crying as I related the following story.

What I was about 15 or so, I really wanted pizza one day. Out of the blue. I thought and thought about how I could get some pizza but just couldn't figure anything out. But I really wanted pizza so I cried. Big elephant tears I cried. My mom came into my room and saw my big tears.

"What is the matter?!"

I looked up at her to explain, "I just really want some pizza."

And she got me pizza. And everything was fine.

I guess tonight all my 15-year old emotions came back. I remembered how I felt that day that I really wanted pizza (for no apparent reason) and then my mom was merciful enough to get it to me.

Why have I told these two stories together? I tell them because they happened chronologically. Or is the pizza now just a metaphor for what I lost tonight? Is this just happenstance? 

Unless you're a Freudian, it was happenstance.

Inauguration

Today President Obama was inaugurated (a word which is very difficult to spell). I enjoyed watching it because of many reasons but my favorite reason is unity. Just like at the Opening Ceremonies for the Beijing Olympics, today everyone  was unity and cheerful about one thing. I like that. So often we concentrate we disagree on and are unhappy with. Today everyone could just be happy.

If you were wondering about some other reasons -- I really like the President's speech and even quoted several things later on in the day during a group I ran. I like Michelle Obama's wardrobe and what the little girls wore too. So Jackie O. It must be recognized. I have a lot of hope for this presidency. Although I don't agree with everything (I doubt anyone does) I agree with a lot, if not most. 

Will Guatanamo be closed tomorrow?

Elna Baker

Above is part of the standup comedy routine of Elna Baker. I first heard of her this Sunday while I was listening to a piece she had done (scroll to the bottom of the link to find her piece) on This American Life. At the end of the piece, This American Life publicized her new book The New York Regional Mormon Singles Halloween Dance. Mormon? My interest was peeked and sure enough, she's LDS.... and practicing.

I was stoked because -- according to what I can find on the internet -- she is also a fairly successful comedian -- as in, she actually is a working comedian. She uses religion as a main joke but I don't think it comes off mocking and apologetic to her "quirks".... just as a funny part of her. Watch the clip and notice that she acts like she's giving a funny talk. She's definitely a Mormon. Check it out and let me know what you think.