30.9.12
Dinner in White
It's Autumn TIme
18.9.12
Note to Self
"True, there are more things to be done than we do, more opportunities for service than are used. True we make mistakes. Even some of our achievements are flawed by a lack of finesse. True there are seeming flat periods in life when we may feel underwhelmed. In such situations, however, we had best get back to the basics of why we are here."--Neal A Maxwell
9.9.12
Observation and Suggestion
As a single person I tend to get sympathy, suggestions, and advice from people who are married. It seems reasonable that people who are married would have good ideas to help me in my quest of one day finding that special someone with whom I can spend eternity. Married people have succeeded in the quest. However, something that only recently occurred to me is this: I've got more dating experience than many and most of my married "experts." I've dated longer than they have.
I think that married people are definitely the sources for advice on good marriages. I would argue, however, that dating and being married are two very different - though connect - things. There are techniques and strategies and behaviors in dating - from expressing interest to the after-date text - that are not necessarily advisable or necessary in marriages. Likewise, many married behaviors and expectations are inappropriate or unnecessarily in dating - from financial negotiations to serious child raising. The issues are just different. You might argue that there is some overlap, which is true. I do need to work out communication and negotiate the the family and how to build a life together. However, if a married person can give me advice because of overlap, then for the same reason, I can give them advice on the issue based simply on dating. Yet that is not as common and expected.
The type of advice I require as a person in the dating world is not how to communicate with my spouse about how his mother treats me but usually along the lines of where can I meet someone to date. So, dear married people, some of your advice is helpful and I thank you. You're welcome to my advice. I thank you for the blind dates, the kind words, and the encouragement. From now on, however, I think I'm gonna ask someone who's been at it (dating) a little longer.
I think that married people are definitely the sources for advice on good marriages. I would argue, however, that dating and being married are two very different - though connect - things. There are techniques and strategies and behaviors in dating - from expressing interest to the after-date text - that are not necessarily advisable or necessary in marriages. Likewise, many married behaviors and expectations are inappropriate or unnecessarily in dating - from financial negotiations to serious child raising. The issues are just different. You might argue that there is some overlap, which is true. I do need to work out communication and negotiate the the family and how to build a life together. However, if a married person can give me advice because of overlap, then for the same reason, I can give them advice on the issue based simply on dating. Yet that is not as common and expected.
12.8.12
Stress busters
I was asked to do a presentation about mental health focusing on anxiety. This made me anxious when I brainstormed and remembered how many awesome coping skills exist and really it just depends on the situation. So, for whatever your malady, maybe one of these will help.
WONDERING. Instead of berating yourself or someone else for some failure, simply wonder (and it has to be quasi-genuine to work). For example, I wonder what time my perennially late friend will get to the restaurant. I wonder when I'll clean the house. I wonder if he knows that was totally demeaning. Take the emotion out of the situation and simply wonder about it. I find a good "hmm" helps with this skill.
RADICAL ACCEPTANCE. Things are the way they are and sometimes we need to be ok with that. Acceptance means to stop fighting against reality. Stop beating yourself up about the extra pounds. Stop criticizing the way the neighbor is raising her children. Stop wishing that your parents would get back together, or that he'd call, or that you could travel more. You are not single-handedly in charge of making things as they should be; stop "shoulding" on yourself. I'm not saying that you should stop trying and just sit back and let life takes its course; I just mean for you to relax a little. As the Beatles said, "Let it be." Accepting doesn't mean your approve of the thing. You don't have to like that your mother still drinks or you can't do long division to save your life. Just accept it as reality.
ONE THING AT A TIME. When you have a million things on your to-do list, including actually writing down the to-dos, remember that you only have to do one thing at a time. And you'll do that one thing best if you only do one thing at a time. Multi-tasking is a myth. One evening I was stressed with my to-dos as I left work. Wondering how I'd ever get everything done, it occurred to me that, at that moment, the only thing I really had to do was drive. If you are cooking, cook. Showering, shower. Worrying, worry. Crying, cry. Relaxing, relax. (You see the pattern?)
MINDFULNESS. Observe, notice, and fully participate in the current moment. We often live so much in our heads that we don't see the moment. Right now feel the temperature of the room, the smell, the sounds. Imagine the planet and see yourself, in the room, as a tiny dot there. Are you sitting comfortably? Is the food delicious? Notice it and enjoy it. When you are chill the answers will come. And the answer might just be, chill.
WORST-CASE SCENARIO. For the situation, imagine the worst case scenario. If this were to happen how bad would it really be. For most things, it's something you can live with. For example, I often fear that somehow I won't have a job. OK, if that happened I'd rent my house out, move in with my mother, and live off of her. Oh, but what if my mother has nothing to support me with? Then there must be another Great Depression and everyone is hungry and so I don't feel so bad about starving. I could probably survive the worst case scenario so losing my job - although unpleasant - will likely not kill me. And even if it did, eh, I believe in an afterlife.
Remember that anxiety comes from fear of the future, and the future does not actually exist yet. So when you are fearing something that doesn't exist you may be simply preparing for the worst, but more likely you are spending precious energy and time living in a fantasy land. Our brains are trained to solve problems, but when it comes to problems that we've made up (the ones that may or may not happen) our brains tend to loop the problem. We never really solve it, we just perseverate (there's a therapy word for you) and ruminate (picture cows chewing for years on cud because that's what your are doing with this problem) and go crazy.
To put it another way. If you saw a bear a distance off, anxiety would rightly kick in and prepare your possible escape routes, your plan of action should the bear become a real threat. However, as the bear is mauling you, you are no longer anxious. You are a lot of other things (screwed, for example) but not anxious. Because anxiety lives in the future, not in the present. Think about it, when you are in a bad situation, you aren't anxious at all, because anxiety lives in the future not the present.
Anxiety has it's place. It's a guest that makes us get up and go, but let's not give it the spare room and invite it to breakfast.
WONDERING. Instead of berating yourself or someone else for some failure, simply wonder (and it has to be quasi-genuine to work). For example, I wonder what time my perennially late friend will get to the restaurant. I wonder when I'll clean the house. I wonder if he knows that was totally demeaning. Take the emotion out of the situation and simply wonder about it. I find a good "hmm" helps with this skill.
RADICAL ACCEPTANCE. Things are the way they are and sometimes we need to be ok with that. Acceptance means to stop fighting against reality. Stop beating yourself up about the extra pounds. Stop criticizing the way the neighbor is raising her children. Stop wishing that your parents would get back together, or that he'd call, or that you could travel more. You are not single-handedly in charge of making things as they should be; stop "shoulding" on yourself. I'm not saying that you should stop trying and just sit back and let life takes its course; I just mean for you to relax a little. As the Beatles said, "Let it be." Accepting doesn't mean your approve of the thing. You don't have to like that your mother still drinks or you can't do long division to save your life. Just accept it as reality.
ONE THING AT A TIME. When you have a million things on your to-do list, including actually writing down the to-dos, remember that you only have to do one thing at a time. And you'll do that one thing best if you only do one thing at a time. Multi-tasking is a myth. One evening I was stressed with my to-dos as I left work. Wondering how I'd ever get everything done, it occurred to me that, at that moment, the only thing I really had to do was drive. If you are cooking, cook. Showering, shower. Worrying, worry. Crying, cry. Relaxing, relax. (You see the pattern?)
MINDFULNESS. Observe, notice, and fully participate in the current moment. We often live so much in our heads that we don't see the moment. Right now feel the temperature of the room, the smell, the sounds. Imagine the planet and see yourself, in the room, as a tiny dot there. Are you sitting comfortably? Is the food delicious? Notice it and enjoy it. When you are chill the answers will come. And the answer might just be, chill.
WORST-CASE SCENARIO. For the situation, imagine the worst case scenario. If this were to happen how bad would it really be. For most things, it's something you can live with. For example, I often fear that somehow I won't have a job. OK, if that happened I'd rent my house out, move in with my mother, and live off of her. Oh, but what if my mother has nothing to support me with? Then there must be another Great Depression and everyone is hungry and so I don't feel so bad about starving. I could probably survive the worst case scenario so losing my job - although unpleasant - will likely not kill me. And even if it did, eh, I believe in an afterlife.
Remember that anxiety comes from fear of the future, and the future does not actually exist yet. So when you are fearing something that doesn't exist you may be simply preparing for the worst, but more likely you are spending precious energy and time living in a fantasy land. Our brains are trained to solve problems, but when it comes to problems that we've made up (the ones that may or may not happen) our brains tend to loop the problem. We never really solve it, we just perseverate (there's a therapy word for you) and ruminate (picture cows chewing for years on cud because that's what your are doing with this problem) and go crazy.
To put it another way. If you saw a bear a distance off, anxiety would rightly kick in and prepare your possible escape routes, your plan of action should the bear become a real threat. However, as the bear is mauling you, you are no longer anxious. You are a lot of other things (screwed, for example) but not anxious. Because anxiety lives in the future, not in the present. Think about it, when you are in a bad situation, you aren't anxious at all, because anxiety lives in the future not the present.
Anxiety has it's place. It's a guest that makes us get up and go, but let's not give it the spare room and invite it to breakfast.
10.7.12
Exploits in Writing
I was going through the ol' Facebook and on soccer player Chris Wingert's post was this comment, each word starting unnecessarily with a capital letter. I can only assume this is a very long title.
All Star Game Tonight For Sure! But I Forgot To Record It... LOL Hey Bro You Guys Killed It Last Sat. Keep It Up! Lets CRUSH San Jose This Sat. !!!!! I Believe!
The hyperbolic capitalization is only one foible. Feel free to point out your favorite.
All Star Game Tonight For Sure! But I Forgot To Record It... LOL Hey Bro You Guys Killed It Last Sat. Keep It Up! Lets CRUSH San Jose This Sat. !!!!! I Believe!
The hyperbolic capitalization is only one foible. Feel free to point out your favorite.
17.6.12
Buttons
On my mission we had a weekly sort of "hit list." Members or eternal investigators that we visited regularly and routinely (which is redundant both in syntax and in real life). On one of these routes we cross a busy road that had chirping bird. Since there was this apparatus, there was also a button to alert the unreal bird (look it up, it's not a real call) to humans, enticing it to chirp in permission.So Germany is a little different from the US. On this pole the button was inside of a little hole that you stuck your finger in. As the junior companion - or the one who really didn't know what was going on ever and so this was the only thing I could do that was helpful - I pushed the button. For weeks. And weeks. Finally, as a joke, I remarked, "I think they just put this button here to make you feel like you're doing something."
Without emotion, she said, "Sister, that's a screw."
4.6.12
Memorable Memorial
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Memorial Day with my best friends.
Just learned how to do this. It's from bighugelabs.com.
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