Ending the Era

In 2007 I started at XYZ company* and on Friday I had my last day. It's a little bit surreal to leave one's first real job. Previous jobs I had to leave for some reason - I was attending school, it was the end of an internship, I was moving. This time there was no reason except that I wanted to quit and I had a new job. It was just time to move on.
I thought my leaving would be devastating to others, because apparently I'm that necessary (at least in my own head). I'm glad to report that it was not devastating, though enough upsetting to stroke my ego just a bit. I'm glad it wasn't too devastating because I know that when I decide to leave another job things with everyone will carry on.
On Friday I spent the day with clients and doing paperwork. It was the first and only time I've ever really left the office with all my paperwork done and knowing no more would show up. I like wrapping things up nicely. That's what's nice about cleaning.

A panoramic of my final office. I had four. 

 I went out to lunch with my cotherapists. It was really nice and kind of uncomfortable because it was a lot of attention on me, which is also odd because being shy isn't really me. My cotherapist Susan returned this book "Fascinating Womanhood" which she'd ended up with from me a few years ago at our annual white elephant exchange (which, interestingly, has nothing to do with white elephants). The book is a 1963 version of womanhood which is rather horrific and hilarious ("Chapter III: Accept a Man at Face Value" and "Chapter XV Feminine Dependency") but I didn't want it back. "Open it," she urged me. There she'd collected messages from many of my coworkers. Finally, something worth reading in that book. I thought it was rather sweet and meaningful.

The ending meant a lot to me too because working at XYZ we don't get most of the perks of other companies (lots of my friends work for those companies and I get a little envious). We don't get bonuses, we don't get swag, no one rents out the movie theater, we usually don't get our continuing education paid for, we even pay for our own meals when we have "parties." Mostly we get to be a teenager's emotional punching bag... and to do a lot of the previously mentioned paperwork. So I felt like the day was a thank you, and that's not something any of us in the field and at such places get/got a lot.
It also made me feel like the years of really mucky work that were much more intense and unpredictable and chaotic than anyone could know unless you are in it were worthwhile. I learned so so so much in six years. More than I think I'll probably learn in the next six, if we're being honest. When you work with people who can't live at home because their emotional state is so extreme you pick up some things. Along with learning about mental illness, the human condition, and all the crazy things that can go wrong and all the weird things that really happen in life, I learned to be less afraid in some ways (in some ways I'm more afraid because I know what gross teenage boys are thinking). I'm not afraid to stand up to people, even clients. I'm not afraid to tell people how to parent. I'm not afraid to talk about awkward things - in fact, I kind of relish it. Awkward is my comfort zone. I'm not afraid to ask for what I need from someone. I'm not afraid to have someone mad at me. I'm not afraid to try something that might blow up in my face. And now, I'm not afraid to leave it.



*This is apparently the name of a real company but in context of this post, it's just a pseudonym.

Aye, Hook, This is All My Doing!

"For there is a God and He hath created all things,... both things to act and things to be acted upon." 

2 Nephi 2:14

"Wherefore God gave unto man that he should act for himself."

2 Nephi 2:16

Two of the most important intangible possessions I think a person can have are purpose and autonomy. Purpose is the feeling that you matter and your actions create positive repercussions; autonomy is the feeling that you are in control of your own life. 

William Glassner, in his book Reality Therapy, lists several fundamental emotional needs and the need to be useful was particularly meaningful to me. At 20 I already felt Erikson's need for generativity and I think essentially we all have that need regardless of age. It is really our relationships to other people and society that gives our existence meaning. I am sister, daughter, therapist, friend, etc. It is my impact in those relationships that gives me purpose. I have to change my world to find my place in it. It's the way I say, "Hey, make room, I'm here to participate." In fact, it is not feeling a part of things that leads to depression and even suicide. I attended a conference this year and, among other factors like access to means and ability to withstand pain, feeling like people don't need you was perhaps that most important factor in a suicide attempt. We need more than connection, we need to feel needed. We are a system and the system influences all parts and we need to know that we are influencing others - that we are acting upon our world. 

So if we are to influence and shape our world, it means that others are also influencing and shaping us. In direct opposition to that fact is our need to be independent. Autonomy is essential to everything from the creative process to happiness to self-reliance. We need to feel free to act in order to act our best, our most powerful, our most innovative. Autonomy is essential what we call "agency." We lose autonomy when we are dominated by a parent, an authority, a system, or even influence. It's pretty obvious when a person or a system overtly dominates but I get very concerned about smaller, more subtle, even unintentional, domination. Let me explain. In high school, I liked myself some Gilmore Girls. And after I watched an episode I would talk much faster, because unless you've been hiding under a stupid rock you know that GG dialogue is fast. I was mirroring it (via my mirror neurons) and it was influencing me. People will say that they don't care what others think and that they are totally independent thinkers but that just isn't true. We are constantly influenced by everything around us from our friends to the weather to the books we read to movies we watch. 

And that's really ok. We influence and we are influenced. But can I just make a confession? Often I trust others' opinions more than my own. I know not everyone does this, but sometimes I just doubt myself. It's very bold and maybe even a little arrogant for one to belief one is always right. And so I find myself influenced and somehow certain that I have it wrong and "it" should be another way. I felt I was an inevitable pawn. However, just a few months ago something occurred to me while I was in therapy as the therapist (Yalom says to see therapist and client as "fellow travelers" so I'm free to work out some of my own crap in session) that ultimately it was my client's life and he could do whatever he wanted; and, alternately, it is my life and I can do as I please regardless of the opinions, recommendations, and assertions of whom/whatever. I am the creator. I have the God-given ability and responsibility to look at the influences around me and pick and chose what I will assimilate. I know this sounds obvious and you're maybe judging me (for shame!) for stating the obvious, but I'm not sure we really do understand that we can act for ourselves. I mean, I've been telling parents for years, "You have to do what works for your family" and it only just now sunk in that I have the same right and responsibility. Buddha said (supposedly), "Believe nothing, no matter where you read it or who has said it - even if I said it - unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." When we take the influences around us and make the deliberate choice to assimilate or not, that is true autonomy. So if I want to be a working mom, shave my head, write a blog, invest money, be religious, see a movie, whatever - I get to design my own life. And when I look around my home and I think about my life I say, in the words of Peter Pan, "Aye, Hook, this is all my doing!"

And so we can create purpose in our relationships by influence AND create autonomy by choosing what will influence us. When people do this effectively they are most happy because, as Henley said, "You are the master of your fate, the captain of your soul."

Things I've Learned from my Clients

I have been a therapist for six years. It's not a lot of time relative to the life span but it's passed the 10,000 hour mark so I probably don't suck completely and actually I fancy that I'm rather good. Reflecting on the lives of others for thousands of hours has given me the opportunity to process and reflect on my own "stuff," which is the polite word for the technical word most often used which is a swear. I've helped a lot of people and I've taught a lot of lessons, but I've also inadvertently and gratefully gleaned a few myself. I've listed some of them below.

I know the history of the Ramones. And I rather like them. Their philosophy is to just do it and don't focus on if you're good at it or not.

Time heals a lot. And sometimes kids are just dumb and they right themselves. Just keep them alive long enough to have a fully developed brain.

You can't save everyone and, at some point, people are responsible for themselves. In a similar vein, you are not their last hope.

Don't underestimate the effect of your foul mood. Sometimes people can benefit from a little of their own medicine. But don't cry.

Being told you aren't crazy goes a long way. Just don't let it go so far that you think you are perfect.

Boys are people too. And they have feelings - usually sadness manifested as anger- even if they don't know it. And moms make up stories if you don't tell them what you are doing (always involving you dying), so just tell your mom what's going on.

Thank you notes make a difference. And they are so deserved.

Pain is a powerful teacher so don't rob people of that. In fact, sometime you have to "bring up rock bottom" so that they never really experience rock bottom. You do no one any favors with rescuing.

Adults can be real jerks and boss kids around and believe they are right just because the adult is the authority. And that's wrong and unfair.

Freaking out is really only effective in case of fire.

The real expert on a person is that person. People have a great ability to know what would help them.

Drugs are amazing and the worst thing ever.

Thoughts control, like, everything. Change your sucky thoughts and you are good to go.

Schools should somehow educate people about how to effectively rebel because there are a lot of bozos out there rebelling - eg, gangs, and people who do crappy graffiti, and kids who skip school. I guess if you skip school maybe you don't get the effective rebellion lesson.

We all tend to think we're more of a lost cause that we really are. And we also tend to believe that because we can't think of a solution, that there is no solution. There is always a solution.

Everyone's values are a little different. So you just have to do what works for you and your family.

You can marry anything in international waters, I'm told.

Defined by Secrets

It's a difficult thing. How am I to discern the emotional and physical safety of those around me? How am I to choose friends? How am I to trust others? Well, we look at them, we make educated guess based on appearance and behavior; over time we rely on previous experiences with the person. And so, the outward is the testator to the whole.
Yet I would like to postulate that, as the adage goes, looks are deceiving. To know the inside, we must know a person's secrets. That's where true intention lives, true thoughts, true actions.  Secrets define us. We are the secrets we keep.
Family secrets, guilty pleasures, things you do when you are alone in the car, what you think but never say, what you write in your diary. That is who you are because the things you never say are the things you believe and they guide your actions.
The abuse survivor, who never discusses the experience, goes through life believing that he or she caused the abuse because they sometimes provoked it purposely.
The person who goes quiet when jokes are made because not one knows that he or she is what is being mocked, feeling isolated and wrong.
And even the less serious - the person who picks his nose, the friend who made you swear never to tell about the time when ...., the invisible disdain she has for her husband's laugh.
This is who we really are.

Secrets, secrets are no fun

Secrets, secrets hurt someone

Perhaps due to my line of work I've seen secrets be weapons of metaphorical yet catastrophic wars. I think that often we are ashamed of these secret lives and we fear abandonment should anyone find out or retribution and revenge or humiliation. But it causes lies to fester and we believe the lies. It's safe in the short term to keep secrets and so they keep us, like prisoners we blackmail ourselves. We walked a fine line and do a pretty dance to appease the Secret Gods.

There are boundaries, things that we don't need to tell. What color it was, for example. And sometimes it's fun not to share - to have a mystery, to have something just for yourself. I'm not suggesting we say and do all for all, that we disregard privacy. But our secret lives are worth a peek in. It's worth evaluating if sometimes not coming clean about something we do only alone, is helping or hurting. And if it's hurting then stop the madness and tell the truth.

And the Truth shall set you free. 

Stuff I Wish Parents Knew

I'm not a parent but I play one for my job, more or less. I don't want to judge anyone because I don't know exactly what I'd do in a given situation. That said, I've been able to learn from the successes and mistakes of the parents I work with and their kids and I have some ideas that might be helpful.

1. If you can just keep the kid alive and out of drugs I think most problems solve themselves. So she doesn't want to shave. It's gross but it's not the end of the world. Really, we're just counting down the days until the pre-frontal cortex kicks in. I'm not saying do nothing; I am saying don't freak out.

2. Time is usually on your side. Take a second (or longer) to think. You don't have to decide right now what to say or do. I do a lot of "hmmm" and "that's interesting." It buys time. And sometimes the great unknown is the greatest consequence for poor behavior.

3. It's ok not to give your kid stuff even if you can. It makes the stuff you have worth more. And, if they really want, they'll figure out a way to get it.

4. You probably know what you are doing better than you think.

5. Make your kids number one. Don't forget stuff if you can help it. Be reliable. Drop other stuff for them. Show up. Follow through. Put them first in (almost) everything (this does not mean be indulgent, it means be ready to sacrifice). Don't have kids unless you're ready for this, just don't. It makes a big difference in so many areas from anxiety to self confidence to your relationship to modeling good parenting.

6. If your kid is being a dork, it's not because they are a dork; it's because that's just all they know how to do. It's your job to teach them differently and make it stick. If that doesn't work, you have bigger problems than you know.

7. The first 18 months make a big difference. If your going to be a bad parent, try to do it after that time.

8. Teach values and religion. That whole bit about "I'll let them decide when they are older" is stupid. Give them something and then let them leave it later, but don't put them in this ship we call life without any sort of rudder.

9. If you don't want them to do something, you can't do it. I'm looking at the smokers here. And people who swear but don't want their kids to. And people who yell at others when they are mad or whine or blames others -- unless that's what you are looking for in a kid.

10. Point out all the good. Sometimes we get a little too comfortable in our discipline role and just tell them everything that needs changing. Lame. Whoever wanted to hear that? Not me. You know what I want to hear? How I rock.