Christmas Miracle

Yesterday I went with some family members to see Les Miserables. Ah. Maz. Ing. If Anne Hathaway does not get the Oscar, the world is unjust. It was significantly different from the stage play, however I like the changes. The movies - with its close ups and elaborate set design - was much more emotional than the play. Some dialogue was altered which made the story easier to follow and actions makes more sense. I will be seeing it again. A.S.A.P.
As part of the experience we got soda and popcorn. This necessitated two trips to the loo for me. During the second trip I noticed my car key (I just keep have the one key, no others, no chain) in my shallow pocket and thought, "That's not very safe," and returned to enjoy the rest of the movie.
And when it was time to go I could find my key. We looked around out seats. We looked in the bathroom. We looked all along the path from the theater to the bathroom. We checked to see if it'd been turned in. Twice. I groped my pockets so much it was indecent.
We used AAA and called to have my doors unlocked (setting the alarm off) so I could at least get some things out. And we left my car.
Today I called the dealership to make me a new key. New keys run $155, they said, plus $30 to reprogram the key to the car. $185. An IPod, a trip to Cali (almost), a few nights in a hostel in Europe, and other things that I don't allow myself but here I would get to buy a car key. Isn't that what every 16 year old wishes for?
Oh, and the car needs to be towed to the dealership. I was on the phone with the tow truck folks all day. "19 trucks out," "busiest day in 2 years," "I promise I'll get to you before I go home," - "Wait - you're car is where? A parking garage? We can't get it out of a parking garage." Of course you can! I'm sure the parking garage would love to impound my car and if they can tow it, so can you!
Let's take a moment to recognize my sweet supporting actors. My uncle and aunt (who had their own car) were nice enough to wait with us. And everyone was so kind. My sister let me drive her car home (leaving her stranded at home all day today). I kept her updated what seemed like every hour on the hour. The plan was that once it all got sorted, she'd pick up the new key and get my car back to me. I'm a moron but you'd never know it by how they treated me. I felt so ashamed of such a stupid mistake. I'm usually the person who helps; I shouldn't need to be helped unless I'm not ambulatory - that's the only reason. I had to kind of suck it up and let others be the helpers.
I really didn't want to go to work today but it was a blessing because it helped me no ruminate so much. And ruminating would have been useless. There was nothing to do but wait until the tow truck could get to the car. At 4 pm I got a call from my sister.
"Cancel the tow truck. I found your key!" It had somehow slipped into her purse. A Christmas miracle.
I'd said prayers to find the key and truly thought this was one of those "but if not" scenarios - some times we can't get what we want and it's for our eternal well-being and progress. That's what I'd decided this was.
Turns out it was more of a Hannah story, a Helaman's warriors waiting for reinforcements story, an Abraham story. To build our faith to the highest degree, I think the Lord let's the faith-building experience goes as long as possible. If he didn't make Hannah wait so long, or if He'd reassured her earlier would she have gained so much faith? Helaman's warrior were starving and spread thin, help coming just at the last second. Abraham lifted the dagger before he was stopped from killing Isaac. I think gaining faith is the point of hard things (otherwise hard things are just cruel) so it makes sense to use one experience to the max. My sister didn't find the key until just before the tow truck was on its way. And perhaps the tow truck was stalled just so that it didn't get there before my sister checked her purse. When we are in trouble, I think it's helpful to understand that God loves to be the hero who comes in at the last minute; He wants to show us how strong we are until we can't life anymore.
So it's not a dramatic, end-of-the-world situation, but it was meaningful to me and showed me how things can work out even when I didn't think they would.

Stuff I Wish Parents Knew

I'm not a parent but I play one for my job, more or less. I don't want to judge anyone because I don't know exactly what I'd do in a given situation. That said, I've been able to learn from the successes and mistakes of the parents I work with and their kids and I have some ideas that might be helpful.

1. If you can just keep the kid alive and out of drugs I think most problems solve themselves. So she doesn't want to shave. It's gross but it's not the end of the world. Really, we're just counting down the days until the pre-frontal cortex kicks in. I'm not saying do nothing; I am saying don't freak out.

2. Time is usually on your side. Take a second (or longer) to think. You don't have to decide right now what to say or do. I do a lot of "hmmm" and "that's interesting." It buys time. And sometimes the great unknown is the greatest consequence for poor behavior.

3. It's ok not to give your kid stuff even if you can. It makes the stuff you have worth more. And, if they really want, they'll figure out a way to get it.

4. You probably know what you are doing better than you think.

5. Make your kids number one. Don't forget stuff if you can help it. Be reliable. Drop other stuff for them. Show up. Follow through. Put them first in (almost) everything (this does not mean be indulgent, it means be ready to sacrifice). Don't have kids unless you're ready for this, just don't. It makes a big difference in so many areas from anxiety to self confidence to your relationship to modeling good parenting.

6. If your kid is being a dork, it's not because they are a dork; it's because that's just all they know how to do. It's your job to teach them differently and make it stick. If that doesn't work, you have bigger problems than you know.

7. The first 18 months make a big difference. If your going to be a bad parent, try to do it after that time.

8. Teach values and religion. That whole bit about "I'll let them decide when they are older" is stupid. Give them something and then let them leave it later, but don't put them in this ship we call life without any sort of rudder.

9. If you don't want them to do something, you can't do it. I'm looking at the smokers here. And people who swear but don't want their kids to. And people who yell at others when they are mad or whine or blames others -- unless that's what you are looking for in a kid.

10. Point out all the good. Sometimes we get a little too comfortable in our discipline role and just tell them everything that needs changing. Lame. Whoever wanted to hear that? Not me. You know what I want to hear? How I rock.

The Vital Importance of Gilmore Girls

There was Full House and TGIF and Saved by the Bell, but the TV show that made the greatest impact on my young life was Gilmore Girls. The brain-child of Amy Sherman-Palladino, it's the story of Lorelai Gilmore, the energetic and quick-witted first TV "teen mom" (of course we see her as an adult), and her now-teen daughter, Rory, a smart, beautiful introvert. It's set in Stars Hallow, Conn - a town too perfect to be real, yet eerily similar to my home town.  The town is full of quirky characters, all of whom share the duos penchant for fast dialogue and odd traditions.
In a world of Dawson's Creek, Gilmore was something a kid who really wanted to be good and who was into school could relate to. Sometimes I think we make adolescence more emotional and dangerous than it is (see all of the offerings of ABC "Family"). Gilmore is drama, but it was fun, funny, engaging, happy, and me. Rory liked to read, liked to eat, liked to be around her family, liked boys but wasn't totally age-inappropriate, and didn't disdain adults. It's vital to see oneself if a character, to be reflected in entertainment, and in a way to be prompted about how someone like yourself might act. And I think having this as a teen is a right of passage and kind of an honor. Other people maybe had the Facts of Life or Growing Pains or Charles in Charge.

So I'd get together with my Leah and we'd watch. We'd talk faster after, we'd pick up on their games (we really played 1-2-3 He's Yours, a lot), and I still say "Oy, with the poodles already!" We recorded it  on VHS for posterity and I have the titles - to this day - of season one's episode memorized. Seasons one and two were really the best. When I went to college I happened to find Rory Gilmore yellow backpack and I'd actually feel smarter going to class with it. I kept it for all three years (Imma a smartie) until it was dead and it had to be put down.
So guys will remark, "You know, whenever I went into a girl's apartment they were always watching that show." They're amazed and I'm like, duh, you were around awesome girls. I still watch it. The first seasons (once A S-P left as a write it was never quite the same) are the best, the wittiest, and they still make me feel represented and important and like anything can happen.
Gilmore is alive and well still. It's in syndication, most girls I know own all the seasons on DVD (still have those VHS tapes somewhere), and people are still talking about it.  It's vitally important.

Congrats

Big ol' congrats to these two crazy love birds, who've been married for a month now. Love 'em.

Dinner in White

It's like a flash mob dinner. The day of we learned the location. At the appointment time, we showed up with dinner for two, tables, chairs, and all dressed in white. And ate, and chatted, and shared desserts, and listened to a jazz band play "Hit Me Baby (One More Time)"  and "Forget You." Lovely.

It's Autumn TIme

I am taking a photography class per my resolution and I needed to complete some practice assignments. Some of the photos are practicing what I was to practice. Most are just fun. The Bronte/moor style photos were taken in the Alpine mountains, which were scarred by a forest fire. Thanks to mom and Freddie for being my excellent models.

Note to Self

"True, there are more things to be done than we do, more opportunities for service than are used. True we make mistakes. Even some of our achievements are flawed by a lack of finesse. True there are seeming flat periods in life when we may feel underwhelmed. In such situations, however, we had best get back to the basics of why we are here."--Neal A Maxwell

Observation and Suggestion

As a single person I tend to get sympathy, suggestions, and advice from people who are married. It seems reasonable that people who are married would have good ideas to help me in my quest of one day finding that special someone with whom I can spend eternity. Married people have succeeded in the quest. However, something that only recently occurred to me is this: I've got more dating experience than many and most of my married "experts." I've dated longer than they have.
I think that married people are definitely the sources for advice on good marriages. I would argue, however, that dating and being married are two very different - though connect - things. There are techniques and strategies and behaviors in dating - from expressing interest to the after-date text - that are not necessarily advisable or necessary in marriages. Likewise, many married behaviors and expectations are inappropriate or unnecessarily in dating - from financial negotiations to serious child raising. The issues are just different. You might argue that there is some overlap, which is true. I do need to work out communication and negotiate the the family and how to build a life together. However, if a married person can give me advice because of overlap, then for the same reason, I can give them advice on the issue based simply on dating. Yet that is not as common and expected.

The type of advice I require as a person in the dating world is not how to communicate with my spouse about how his mother treats me but usually along the lines of where can I meet someone to date. So, dear married people, some of your advice is helpful and I thank you. You're welcome to my advice. I thank you for the blind dates, the kind words, and the encouragement. From now on, however, I think I'm gonna ask someone who's been at it (dating) a little longer.

Stress busters

I was asked to do a presentation about mental health focusing on anxiety. This made me anxious when I brainstormed and remembered how many awesome coping skills exist and really it just depends on the situation. So, for whatever your malady, maybe one of these will help.

WONDERING. Instead of berating yourself or someone else for some failure, simply wonder (and it has to be quasi-genuine to work). For example, I wonder what time my perennially late friend will get to the restaurant. I wonder when I'll clean the house. I wonder if he knows that was totally demeaning. Take the emotion out of the situation and simply wonder about it. I find a good "hmm" helps with this skill.

RADICAL ACCEPTANCE. Things are the way they are and sometimes we need to be ok with that. Acceptance means to stop fighting against reality. Stop beating yourself up about the extra pounds. Stop criticizing the way the neighbor is raising her children. Stop wishing that your parents would get back together, or that he'd call, or that you could travel more. You are not single-handedly in charge of making things as they should be; stop "shoulding" on yourself. I'm not saying that you should stop trying and just sit back and let life takes its course; I just mean for you to relax a little. As the Beatles said, "Let it be." Accepting doesn't mean your approve of the thing. You don't have to like that your mother still drinks or you can't do long division to save your life. Just accept it as reality.

ONE THING AT A TIME. When you have a million things on your to-do list, including actually writing down the to-dos, remember that you only have to do one thing at a time. And you'll do that one thing best if you only do one thing at a time. Multi-tasking is a myth. One evening I was stressed with my to-dos as I left work. Wondering how I'd ever get everything done, it occurred to me that, at that moment, the only thing I really had to do was drive. If you are cooking, cook. Showering, shower. Worrying, worry. Crying, cry. Relaxing, relax. (You see the pattern?)

MINDFULNESS. Observe, notice, and fully participate in the current moment. We often live so much in our heads that we don't see the moment. Right now feel the temperature of the room, the smell, the sounds. Imagine the planet and see yourself, in the room, as a tiny dot there. Are you sitting comfortably? Is the food delicious? Notice it and enjoy it. When you are chill the answers will come. And the answer might just be, chill.

WORST-CASE SCENARIO. For the situation, imagine the worst case scenario. If this were to happen how bad would it really be. For most things, it's something you can live with. For example, I often fear that somehow I won't have a job. OK, if that happened I'd rent my house out, move in with my mother, and live off of her. Oh, but what if my mother has nothing to support me with? Then there must be another Great Depression and everyone is hungry and so I don't feel so bad about starving. I could probably survive the worst case scenario so losing my job - although unpleasant - will likely not kill me. And even if it did, eh, I believe in an afterlife.

Remember that anxiety comes from fear of the future, and the future does not actually exist yet. So when you are fearing something that doesn't exist you may be simply preparing for the worst, but more likely you are spending precious energy and time living in a fantasy land. Our brains are trained to solve problems, but when it comes to problems that we've made up (the ones that may or may not happen) our brains tend to loop the problem. We never really solve it, we just perseverate (there's a therapy word for you) and ruminate (picture cows chewing for years on cud because that's what your are doing with this problem) and go crazy.

To put it another way. If you saw a bear a distance off, anxiety would rightly kick in and prepare your possible escape routes, your plan of action should the bear become a real threat. However, as the bear is mauling you, you are no longer anxious. You are a lot of other things (screwed, for example) but not anxious. Because anxiety lives in the future, not in the present. Think about it, when you are in a bad situation, you aren't anxious at all, because anxiety lives in the future not the present.

Anxiety has it's place. It's a guest that makes us get up and go, but let's not give it the spare room and invite it to breakfast.

Exploits in Writing

I was going through the ol' Facebook and on soccer player Chris Wingert's post was this comment, each word starting unnecessarily with a capital letter. I can only assume this is a very long title.


All Star Game Tonight For Sure! But I Forgot To Record It... LOL Hey Bro You Guys Killed It Last Sat. Keep It Up! Lets CRUSH San Jose This Sat. !!!!! I Believe!


The hyperbolic capitalization is only one foible. Feel free to point out your favorite.