Ariel Wouldn't Have the Guts to Do What I Did

A little while after I posted this I received an email from a long-time chum, Bradley, saying that he'd like to help me out with the dreaded sea food and that he'd be in Utah in October.(You can encourage Bradley to blog more often here on his blog about food.) I was only too thrilled to have to report to some real person about this goal and last night I accomplished the goal - I purposely ate a water creature. We ate at Communal in the Provo and had dessert down the way at Gloria's Little Italy.

This is Bradley and he is eating salad.

I really ate the fish. And it was good and I ate my portion and I would do it again.

This is the salmon that I ate.

This is beet salad and delicious it was.

These are carrots, even the yellow things.

And we topped it off with gelato, which off with everything should be topped. 

Bradley was so kind to help me out with this challenge and I did indeed feel brave. Additionally, he is great company and it is always so enjoyable to spend time with him. Thanks so much, Bradley!

K and B's Wedding!

Last weekend my lovely niece Kyrst married Brog in the SLC temple.

Family occasions are sacred and serious but we find plenty of time to goof off and be odd as we are. Here is a nice selection to make everyone jealous that their families are as fun as mine. :)

With my niece Liza

Heading to do some have some Sephora time between events. We're ready for the paparazzi. 

Ryan cannot not photo bomb.

Selfie with my sister

Ty with his fiancee Janie. She's fitting in very well.

Brother-of-the-bride Matt, just being Matt

Nostalgia

She smiles and says, "Dieter, it's not a race; it's a journey. Enjoy the moment."

This is Salzburg, Austria at the Do-Re-Mi bridge.

This is the CN tower in Toronto. 

This is a bridge in Nashville and I'm doing yoga without getting dirty.

This is Pacifica Beach, near San Francisco, and it's out to get me.

Salzburg is my favorite city. I've been there on two separate trips and it's beautiful and happy and lets me live my Sound of Music fantasty. Toronto is a diverse and gorgeous city, especially in the fall. Nashville is music and history and Dolly Parton. And San Fran is love of great friends and the worship of great food. 

But I have to say that while I was visiting any of those places it was only just fine. I mean, I totally enjoyed myself but it wasn't as magical in the moment as it is in reflection. And I didn't realize how meaningful it was until it was over. 

So I spend a good amount of time loving the past and wishing to return to "the good times." I'm nostalgic. 

Nostalgia makes sense. If something was great the dopamine in our brains seeks to replicate that experience - see addiction, as a rather negative example. And often, we can (healthfully) replicate it. I listen to the same music over and over. And today I watched a favorite episode of Doctor Who again (Angel Bob, anyone?).  Replicating joy is the premise of the "inside joke."

But sometimes it's not so great. During some of those pleasant times I was likely thinking of other pleasant times and being inattentive of my current opportunity. Inattention via nostalgia is a great robber of happiness. For example, being upset when the meatloaf isn't like the one you had in Maine. Or setting up some vacation to be as wonderful as the last one by expecting it to be like the last one. Or by refusing to see the Great Gatsby because BL might ruin the sacredness of the book (still haven't dared). Or maybe it's just me that did all of those things.

I have to say, though, that the times when I've been open to new experiences and been "in the moment" I've been surprised and really enjoyed myself. When I was younger Les Miserables was basically the pinnacle of my cultural experience. I was able to see the play several times and each time I remember thinking, "You are here RIGHT NOW seeing the thing" and basked in the knowledge that it was a wonderful thing right now.

I like what Thoreau said in Walden. "I went into the woods because I wished to live deliberately... I wanted to live deep and suck the marrow of life." Or what Aerosmith said. "I don't wanna close my eyes/ I don't wanna fall asleep/ 'Cause I'd miss you babe/ And I don't wanna miss a thing."

There is a place for nostalgia - like all those photos on Facebook. And what good is a thing if you don't remember it and thereby remember the pleasure? I have used the memories of better times to get me through worse times. However, there is also a place for mindfulness and really being aware of the happiness now. Don't be all Miss Havisham and pine for what was or what was supposed to be. Go, my people, and live deliberately and with awareness!

Aye, Hook, This is All My Doing!

"For there is a God and He hath created all things,... both things to act and things to be acted upon." 

2 Nephi 2:14

"Wherefore God gave unto man that he should act for himself."

2 Nephi 2:16

Two of the most important intangible possessions I think a person can have are purpose and autonomy. Purpose is the feeling that you matter and your actions create positive repercussions; autonomy is the feeling that you are in control of your own life. 

William Glassner, in his book Reality Therapy, lists several fundamental emotional needs and the need to be useful was particularly meaningful to me. At 20 I already felt Erikson's need for generativity and I think essentially we all have that need regardless of age. It is really our relationships to other people and society that gives our existence meaning. I am sister, daughter, therapist, friend, etc. It is my impact in those relationships that gives me purpose. I have to change my world to find my place in it. It's the way I say, "Hey, make room, I'm here to participate." In fact, it is not feeling a part of things that leads to depression and even suicide. I attended a conference this year and, among other factors like access to means and ability to withstand pain, feeling like people don't need you was perhaps that most important factor in a suicide attempt. We need more than connection, we need to feel needed. We are a system and the system influences all parts and we need to know that we are influencing others - that we are acting upon our world. 

So if we are to influence and shape our world, it means that others are also influencing and shaping us. In direct opposition to that fact is our need to be independent. Autonomy is essential to everything from the creative process to happiness to self-reliance. We need to feel free to act in order to act our best, our most powerful, our most innovative. Autonomy is essential what we call "agency." We lose autonomy when we are dominated by a parent, an authority, a system, or even influence. It's pretty obvious when a person or a system overtly dominates but I get very concerned about smaller, more subtle, even unintentional, domination. Let me explain. In high school, I liked myself some Gilmore Girls. And after I watched an episode I would talk much faster, because unless you've been hiding under a stupid rock you know that GG dialogue is fast. I was mirroring it (via my mirror neurons) and it was influencing me. People will say that they don't care what others think and that they are totally independent thinkers but that just isn't true. We are constantly influenced by everything around us from our friends to the weather to the books we read to movies we watch. 

And that's really ok. We influence and we are influenced. But can I just make a confession? Often I trust others' opinions more than my own. I know not everyone does this, but sometimes I just doubt myself. It's very bold and maybe even a little arrogant for one to belief one is always right. And so I find myself influenced and somehow certain that I have it wrong and "it" should be another way. I felt I was an inevitable pawn. However, just a few months ago something occurred to me while I was in therapy as the therapist (Yalom says to see therapist and client as "fellow travelers" so I'm free to work out some of my own crap in session) that ultimately it was my client's life and he could do whatever he wanted; and, alternately, it is my life and I can do as I please regardless of the opinions, recommendations, and assertions of whom/whatever. I am the creator. I have the God-given ability and responsibility to look at the influences around me and pick and chose what I will assimilate. I know this sounds obvious and you're maybe judging me (for shame!) for stating the obvious, but I'm not sure we really do understand that we can act for ourselves. I mean, I've been telling parents for years, "You have to do what works for your family" and it only just now sunk in that I have the same right and responsibility. Buddha said (supposedly), "Believe nothing, no matter where you read it or who has said it - even if I said it - unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." When we take the influences around us and make the deliberate choice to assimilate or not, that is true autonomy. So if I want to be a working mom, shave my head, write a blog, invest money, be religious, see a movie, whatever - I get to design my own life. And when I look around my home and I think about my life I say, in the words of Peter Pan, "Aye, Hook, this is all my doing!"

And so we can create purpose in our relationships by influence AND create autonomy by choosing what will influence us. When people do this effectively they are most happy because, as Henley said, "You are the master of your fate, the captain of your soul."

Matt's Wedding!

My first-born nephew got married yesterday. Congrats! I have family photos of the event, and took exactly zero of the couple together (photo fail). Check out the other photos of the family.

Ahh, the groom! And how many photo bombs can you spot? Hint: there are three. 

With my brother Trev

With my sister Fred

With my nephew Tys

With nieces A and Lou

Don't hurt me because these are my brothers and they love me

My sis-in-law Cole

My nephew Gator with my bro T

Gator and the mother-of-the groom, Mar, and obviously me

Adventure Practice

I bought the camera a few years ago and I took a class but I still don't feel like I do much better with an SLR than anything else. Today I went out with a field guide to see if I could get anything and here's what happened.

Things I've Learned from my Clients

I have been a therapist for six years. It's not a lot of time relative to the life span but it's passed the 10,000 hour mark so I probably don't suck completely and actually I fancy that I'm rather good. Reflecting on the lives of others for thousands of hours has given me the opportunity to process and reflect on my own "stuff," which is the polite word for the technical word most often used which is a swear. I've helped a lot of people and I've taught a lot of lessons, but I've also inadvertently and gratefully gleaned a few myself. I've listed some of them below.

I know the history of the Ramones. And I rather like them. Their philosophy is to just do it and don't focus on if you're good at it or not.

Time heals a lot. And sometimes kids are just dumb and they right themselves. Just keep them alive long enough to have a fully developed brain.

You can't save everyone and, at some point, people are responsible for themselves. In a similar vein, you are not their last hope.

Don't underestimate the effect of your foul mood. Sometimes people can benefit from a little of their own medicine. But don't cry.

Being told you aren't crazy goes a long way. Just don't let it go so far that you think you are perfect.

Boys are people too. And they have feelings - usually sadness manifested as anger- even if they don't know it. And moms make up stories if you don't tell them what you are doing (always involving you dying), so just tell your mom what's going on.

Thank you notes make a difference. And they are so deserved.

Pain is a powerful teacher so don't rob people of that. In fact, sometime you have to "bring up rock bottom" so that they never really experience rock bottom. You do no one any favors with rescuing.

Adults can be real jerks and boss kids around and believe they are right just because the adult is the authority. And that's wrong and unfair.

Freaking out is really only effective in case of fire.

The real expert on a person is that person. People have a great ability to know what would help them.

Drugs are amazing and the worst thing ever.

Thoughts control, like, everything. Change your sucky thoughts and you are good to go.

Schools should somehow educate people about how to effectively rebel because there are a lot of bozos out there rebelling - eg, gangs, and people who do crappy graffiti, and kids who skip school. I guess if you skip school maybe you don't get the effective rebellion lesson.

We all tend to think we're more of a lost cause that we really are. And we also tend to believe that because we can't think of a solution, that there is no solution. There is always a solution.

Everyone's values are a little different. So you just have to do what works for you and your family.

You can marry anything in international waters, I'm told.

Tooth Fairies

I just know I published this before but I felt the need to republish especially since I could not find it again. Enjoy!

For our church talent show Miss J and I did a Kristin Wiig and Melinda Hill skit called Confessions of a Tooth Fairy. Check it out. And thanks to Geoff for recording it. If you want the script probably the easiest thing to do is write it out. It's pretty easy to do. 

Photo Album Update

For my birthday Kate gave me Tea at the Grand America Hotel and I cashed it in. It's like being a little girl for a minute and no one thinks you are weird. Er'rybody else be doing it.

I attempted to eat smoked salmon.  

 It tasted like Sea World. Yuck.

I went with my family to a rodeo. 

Also we hiked Timp Cave. Prolly the most fun thing my family's done outside of the home in a while. Out tour guide said we were her favorite tour all week. Obviously. I've met us.

I went to the Shakespeare Festival with Erin and Milla. I tried to get this guy to take me home but he was just cold to me. *Sigh* We saw Loves Labors Lost and Peter and the Star Catcher. P and the SC was the best ever thing.

And then there was this awesome hike to Battle Creek Falls. That's my sis and sis-in-law up top and Kate and Milla down low. The kiddos are my nieces and nephew and they are a blast. Y'all should be way jealouso.

Brave New Year

Every year on my birthday I like to get a hotel room by myself and wake up on birthday morning at will, have breakfast, then sit down for some reflection and goal-setting. I didn't do that this year because I could only come up with one goal: learn to make a proper paper plane; and I was with people. Since my birthday I've tried to come up with some goals- a girl does like to move forward- but couldn't really land on much I passionately wanted to do.
Earlier this week I stumbled onto this music video from Sara Bareilles. The song is called Brave and I find it incredibly encouraging - both lyrically and within the concept of the video. And, for where I am in life right now personally, it was a message I needed to hear.

The video also gave me the inspiration for my goal setting: Brave New Year. I will embark on several feats of bravery, hoping to grow and stretch just a little more.

Go a day or two without my phone, several times
Take singing lessons
Run a half-marathon
Eat unfamiliar food that I have heretofore shunned - the dreaded seafood!
Own up to mistakes
Dissent and/or advocate for myself and/or question
Share the gospel with someone, like for real, like giving away a Book of Mormon or inviting them to church
Ask for and accept feedback that might not be flattering; don't wilt; possibly disagree with it
Stop coping in ways that aren't helpful in coping - like TV or surfing the internet for useless hours
Be financially generous
Learn to be handy around my own home
Ask to be mentored
Seriously already, join the bone marrow registry

“Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose.” 

Tom Krause