Second Advent

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Weekend Update 2.0

Thanksgiving! and Christmas!

Our family likes to start Thanksgiving with a Turkey Trot. How cute are we! And friends too! Followed by the beginning of the feast with monkey bread, eggs, and clementines. And then the Thanksgiving meal at Mom's. Basically, we eat like we're on a cruise ship. We met up with more family to watch Frozen, which was totes adorbs.

Look who's back! We got to go on a run - my first in... months! - and then Catching Fire, finally. And I loved it!

I set up my Christmas tree and started my chocolate advent calendar. Yum. And my Ballet West Nutcracker tix came in the mail!

Weekend Update

The lovely Erin does weekend updates on her blog and I've enjoyed them so much that I've decided to flatter her by imitation.

I'll actually start with last weekend because it was noteworthy.

Technically it was Thursday, but Erin and I attended the Selena Gomez concert. I had very low expectations and going into it regretted buying the tickets. However, the concert was fun, entertaining, and well-done. I would totally go again and recommend it to others, even if they aren't Selena Gomez fans. 

I've wanted to chop my hair off for a while and last weekend I got the courage/necessary impulsivity. Here are the before, during, and after photo.

Erin is part of Junior League and they hosted a tasting for their local cookbook. In addition to trying the food featured int he cookbook, I got to be snobby with Erin and Jane. I ended up buying the cookbook from the Junior League in Chattanooga... I needed to know more about Yankee Glazed Chicken. 

Sunday Erin, Jane, and I attended the St Cecilia's Day concert at the Cathedral of the Madeline.

And moving on to this weekend!

Steph and I saw a well-done local production of In the Heights. I really love this show so I'm always thankful when it is enjoyable. Note: Steph does my hair.

The next night  I met up with these lovely chicas for the amazingly moving and important show Next to Normal. If you ever have a chance to see it, do - probably twice. And be wise like the man behind us who actually brought a box of tissues.

Saturday project was this lovely thing. I bought it online for $15 and spray painted it this lovely blue. Thanks to Heidikins for the bulb idea (ex-nay on those candle wannabes). It was installed by Bradley - who is back in town - and thank goodness he did it because I would have surely killed myself. 

All work and no play makes jack a dull boy so after our success with the chandelier we attended the JFK tribute symphony. Lovely to see Bradley as always. 

Chicago

Last week I had the opportunity to travel to Chicago (along with my mom) to give a presentation at a conference. We enjoyed our four days in the city we'd visited just once before (15 years ago).

This is the Glessner House, built in 1886. The photo on the top left is actually the inner courtyard. The front door is the bottom left photo and the photo of my mom and me. The side of the house is on the top left. The architect, HH Richardson, made the outside a bit of a fortress but all the inner rooms of the house face the courtyard for sunshine purposes. Also, it's gorgeously autumn in Chicago. 

On the way to my presentation we passed this little grocery store, Aldi. Umm, y'all this is a German grocery story. It's not even set up like an American store. The merchandise is stacked. There is very little to choose from but it's all good (like "stop light" peppers in threes - why doesn't every store sell them this way?). The cashiers sit, you bag your own groceries, and even the till is different. Most important, however, was the fact that they had my German Christmas cookies (which I stocked up on) and the price was no higher than it'd be in Germany. So basically it was like Christmas. 

 I presented on Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) in a residential treatment center. I'm sorry, are you snoring?  I presented very well on it, if I do say so myself. And to prove I can never grow up: I needed my mom to tell me it was good before I could relax. Also, she is my official photographer. 

We visited the Art Institute of Chicago and because time was limited we were able to take in just the Thorne Miniatures (so awesome and so not possible to capture in a photo) and the Impressionists. They have a wonderful collection - a whole room of Monet - and enough Degas (my fav) to satisfy me. The prized possession is La Grande Jatte, by Seraut (the painting featured in the Sondheim play Sunday in the Park with George). It was more amazing that I had supposed it would be. It's impressive to see in the real because it's pointillism, which is a trip. 

And of course Van Gogh. The paint is so thick I can't believe it was never smudged. Thrilling to see. 

We saw two plays. Northwestern did a fantastic 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee and the Raven Theater did a moving Trip to Bountiful (I really thought she was going to die). 

And we had to get deep dish pizza. So very deep. I think I ate an inch of cheese. Not complaining. 

I am a social worker and a good person so we had to visit Jane Addams' Hull House, where it all started. It was not the best museum I've ever been too, but I was moved and I need to study more about Jane Addams - she was kind of G. 

Had to visit the Cubbies if I love my grandmother at all (which I do).

Shedd Aquarium is lovely and there are beluga whales so pretty much life is amazing. We also saw a dolphin show and penguins. Mom liked the fish that keep their young in their mouth and I fancied some jelly fish. Little tip, we got valetparking which enabled us to go to the "will call" line and skip the line eternal pictures at the bottom left. Get valet and you will save yourself hours in line. 

Walt Grace

Music makes me really happy. I really connect with songs lyrically and musically. My favorite artists can do both (see Fun. for example). In pondering how much I love music I asked myself what song I really, really identify with. Is there a song where I say, The artist has captured my experience?

Um, not really.

For example, I connect with Adele’s Someone Like You – it’s musically and lyrically genius in my mind. And I've felt emotional when listening to it but then it occurred to me that nothing like that has ever happened to me. Ever.

I went through all of my currents fav songs and struggled to find one where I’d say That one captures my experience.

Maybe there are lots of reasons for art. Books, for example, are a great way to learn and “experience” things that you otherwise could not. Lots of media is great for escapism. Some art is designed to get me to think of things in a new way or create awareness.

But isn't one reason for art to express what I cannot? To show me myself when I cannot? Or, at least, to show me that I’m not alone?

In the midst of this existential art crisis I remembered one song that I do relate to, like actually. It does for me what I think it should – expresses what I cannot and shows me I’m not alone for thinking and feeling so.

This song is written by John Mayer and on his brilliant album Born and Raised. The song is a story about taking big risks in the attempt to accomplish a Big Idea. 

John didn't make a music video for it but I found this one that’s pretty rad. Have a listen to Walt Grace's Submarine Test, January 1967. 

The musicality of the song is fantastic with a great forward momentum and a crescendo at the end when the story everything resolves. The tune and rhythm are simple, just right for storytelling.  Lyrically, it’s brilliant with clever rhymes and a moving story*.  It’s the story that really hits home because I've felt this way about my life and my activities. I could write more in depth about all the meaning this song has more, lyrically and musically, for me but that’s probably not generally interesting and could take away from the meaning the song might have for you. The point is that I identify with the song. It relates to my life. I’m going to be on the hunt for more songs (and art in general) that really describes my experience.

What songs do you truly, madly, deeply relate to?

*Shockingly, this is a completely fictional story. John Mayer just got cooler. 

Ariel Wouldn't Have the Guts to Do What I Did

A little while after I posted this I received an email from a long-time chum, Bradley, saying that he'd like to help me out with the dreaded sea food and that he'd be in Utah in October.(You can encourage Bradley to blog more often here on his blog about food.) I was only too thrilled to have to report to some real person about this goal and last night I accomplished the goal - I purposely ate a water creature. We ate at Communal in the Provo and had dessert down the way at Gloria's Little Italy.

This is Bradley and he is eating salad.

I really ate the fish. And it was good and I ate my portion and I would do it again.

This is the salmon that I ate.

This is beet salad and delicious it was.

These are carrots, even the yellow things.

And we topped it off with gelato, which off with everything should be topped. 

Bradley was so kind to help me out with this challenge and I did indeed feel brave. Additionally, he is great company and it is always so enjoyable to spend time with him. Thanks so much, Bradley!

K and B's Wedding!

Last weekend my lovely niece Kyrst married Brog in the SLC temple.

Family occasions are sacred and serious but we find plenty of time to goof off and be odd as we are. Here is a nice selection to make everyone jealous that their families are as fun as mine. :)

With my niece Liza

Heading to do some have some Sephora time between events. We're ready for the paparazzi. 

Ryan cannot not photo bomb.

Selfie with my sister

Ty with his fiancee Janie. She's fitting in very well.

Brother-of-the-bride Matt, just being Matt

Nostalgia

She smiles and says, "Dieter, it's not a race; it's a journey. Enjoy the moment."

This is Salzburg, Austria at the Do-Re-Mi bridge.

This is the CN tower in Toronto. 

This is a bridge in Nashville and I'm doing yoga without getting dirty.

This is Pacifica Beach, near San Francisco, and it's out to get me.

Salzburg is my favorite city. I've been there on two separate trips and it's beautiful and happy and lets me live my Sound of Music fantasty. Toronto is a diverse and gorgeous city, especially in the fall. Nashville is music and history and Dolly Parton. And San Fran is love of great friends and the worship of great food. 

But I have to say that while I was visiting any of those places it was only just fine. I mean, I totally enjoyed myself but it wasn't as magical in the moment as it is in reflection. And I didn't realize how meaningful it was until it was over. 

So I spend a good amount of time loving the past and wishing to return to "the good times." I'm nostalgic. 

Nostalgia makes sense. If something was great the dopamine in our brains seeks to replicate that experience - see addiction, as a rather negative example. And often, we can (healthfully) replicate it. I listen to the same music over and over. And today I watched a favorite episode of Doctor Who again (Angel Bob, anyone?).  Replicating joy is the premise of the "inside joke."

But sometimes it's not so great. During some of those pleasant times I was likely thinking of other pleasant times and being inattentive of my current opportunity. Inattention via nostalgia is a great robber of happiness. For example, being upset when the meatloaf isn't like the one you had in Maine. Or setting up some vacation to be as wonderful as the last one by expecting it to be like the last one. Or by refusing to see the Great Gatsby because BL might ruin the sacredness of the book (still haven't dared). Or maybe it's just me that did all of those things.

I have to say, though, that the times when I've been open to new experiences and been "in the moment" I've been surprised and really enjoyed myself. When I was younger Les Miserables was basically the pinnacle of my cultural experience. I was able to see the play several times and each time I remember thinking, "You are here RIGHT NOW seeing the thing" and basked in the knowledge that it was a wonderful thing right now.

I like what Thoreau said in Walden. "I went into the woods because I wished to live deliberately... I wanted to live deep and suck the marrow of life." Or what Aerosmith said. "I don't wanna close my eyes/ I don't wanna fall asleep/ 'Cause I'd miss you babe/ And I don't wanna miss a thing."

There is a place for nostalgia - like all those photos on Facebook. And what good is a thing if you don't remember it and thereby remember the pleasure? I have used the memories of better times to get me through worse times. However, there is also a place for mindfulness and really being aware of the happiness now. Don't be all Miss Havisham and pine for what was or what was supposed to be. Go, my people, and live deliberately and with awareness!

Aye, Hook, This is All My Doing!

"For there is a God and He hath created all things,... both things to act and things to be acted upon." 

2 Nephi 2:14

"Wherefore God gave unto man that he should act for himself."

2 Nephi 2:16

Two of the most important intangible possessions I think a person can have are purpose and autonomy. Purpose is the feeling that you matter and your actions create positive repercussions; autonomy is the feeling that you are in control of your own life. 

William Glassner, in his book Reality Therapy, lists several fundamental emotional needs and the need to be useful was particularly meaningful to me. At 20 I already felt Erikson's need for generativity and I think essentially we all have that need regardless of age. It is really our relationships to other people and society that gives our existence meaning. I am sister, daughter, therapist, friend, etc. It is my impact in those relationships that gives me purpose. I have to change my world to find my place in it. It's the way I say, "Hey, make room, I'm here to participate." In fact, it is not feeling a part of things that leads to depression and even suicide. I attended a conference this year and, among other factors like access to means and ability to withstand pain, feeling like people don't need you was perhaps that most important factor in a suicide attempt. We need more than connection, we need to feel needed. We are a system and the system influences all parts and we need to know that we are influencing others - that we are acting upon our world. 

So if we are to influence and shape our world, it means that others are also influencing and shaping us. In direct opposition to that fact is our need to be independent. Autonomy is essential to everything from the creative process to happiness to self-reliance. We need to feel free to act in order to act our best, our most powerful, our most innovative. Autonomy is essential what we call "agency." We lose autonomy when we are dominated by a parent, an authority, a system, or even influence. It's pretty obvious when a person or a system overtly dominates but I get very concerned about smaller, more subtle, even unintentional, domination. Let me explain. In high school, I liked myself some Gilmore Girls. And after I watched an episode I would talk much faster, because unless you've been hiding under a stupid rock you know that GG dialogue is fast. I was mirroring it (via my mirror neurons) and it was influencing me. People will say that they don't care what others think and that they are totally independent thinkers but that just isn't true. We are constantly influenced by everything around us from our friends to the weather to the books we read to movies we watch. 

And that's really ok. We influence and we are influenced. But can I just make a confession? Often I trust others' opinions more than my own. I know not everyone does this, but sometimes I just doubt myself. It's very bold and maybe even a little arrogant for one to belief one is always right. And so I find myself influenced and somehow certain that I have it wrong and "it" should be another way. I felt I was an inevitable pawn. However, just a few months ago something occurred to me while I was in therapy as the therapist (Yalom says to see therapist and client as "fellow travelers" so I'm free to work out some of my own crap in session) that ultimately it was my client's life and he could do whatever he wanted; and, alternately, it is my life and I can do as I please regardless of the opinions, recommendations, and assertions of whom/whatever. I am the creator. I have the God-given ability and responsibility to look at the influences around me and pick and chose what I will assimilate. I know this sounds obvious and you're maybe judging me (for shame!) for stating the obvious, but I'm not sure we really do understand that we can act for ourselves. I mean, I've been telling parents for years, "You have to do what works for your family" and it only just now sunk in that I have the same right and responsibility. Buddha said (supposedly), "Believe nothing, no matter where you read it or who has said it - even if I said it - unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." When we take the influences around us and make the deliberate choice to assimilate or not, that is true autonomy. So if I want to be a working mom, shave my head, write a blog, invest money, be religious, see a movie, whatever - I get to design my own life. And when I look around my home and I think about my life I say, in the words of Peter Pan, "Aye, Hook, this is all my doing!"

And so we can create purpose in our relationships by influence AND create autonomy by choosing what will influence us. When people do this effectively they are most happy because, as Henley said, "You are the master of your fate, the captain of your soul."

Matt's Wedding!

My first-born nephew got married yesterday. Congrats! I have family photos of the event, and took exactly zero of the couple together (photo fail). Check out the other photos of the family.

Ahh, the groom! And how many photo bombs can you spot? Hint: there are three. 

With my brother Trev

With my sister Fred

With my nephew Tys

With nieces A and Lou

Don't hurt me because these are my brothers and they love me

My sis-in-law Cole

My nephew Gator with my bro T

Gator and the mother-of-the groom, Mar, and obviously me