Fourth Nephi: the Great Divide

The Fourth Book of Nephi - a mere four pages of the compilation Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ - details nearly 300 years of ancient American history. It begins just after the visitation of the Savior of the world and shows a civilization so infused with the Christian gospel that for two hundred years "there could not be a happier people among all the people who had been created by the hand of God." Unfortunately, half-way through the chapter the wonder and impact of Christ's visit to the Americas seems to be wearing off and by the end of the chapter the people are chaotic, divided, and wary of one another. Sadly, I felt more connected to the people of the latter-half - the first half seems to good to be true and the second half is really the world we live in - everyone's just doing what comes naturally. The first half is happy and thriving and safe, a place where people trust each other and work together. I want to live there - or at least be a citizen at heart of such a community, so I wrote out a simple list of descriptions of the two civilizations, in the hope that I can set my life and my character to fit in the people of the first half.

Characteristics of “No Happier People”

·         Participated in baptism and receiving the Holy Ghost

·         No contentions because of the love of God

·         No disputations

·         Dealt justly

·         All things in common

·         No poor, all free

·         Partook of the Heavenly Gift (Atonement of Christ)

·         Miracles of healing

·         Build cities (economic growth)

·         Strength

·         Multiplied (population growth)

·         Fair and delightsome

·         Married in the covenant

·         Fasted and prayed

·         Attended church

·         No envyings, strifes, tumults, whoredoms, lyings, murders, lasciviousness

·         No robbers, murderers, or –ites; complete unity

·         Prosperity

·          

Characteristics of Natural Life

·         Revolt

·         -ites; disunity

·         Pride and vanity

·         Costly apparel, pearls, fine things of the world

·         No more common goods

·         Divided into classes

·         Build up churches unto themselves to get gain and denied true church of Christ

·         Denied gospel

·         Allowed wickedness and administered sacred things to the unworthy

·         Iniquity

·         Adversary has hold of their hearts

·         Persecute the church of God

·         Refuse true prophets/leaders of God; seek to kill them

·         Hard hearts

·         Willfully rebel and teach their children to rebel and to hate others

·         Secret oaths and combinations of Gadianton

·         Focus on wealth; hoard gold and silver, traffic in all manner of traffic

Defined by Secrets

It's a difficult thing. How am I to discern the emotional and physical safety of those around me? How am I to choose friends? How am I to trust others? Well, we look at them, we make educated guess based on appearance and behavior; over time we rely on previous experiences with the person. And so, the outward is the testator to the whole.
Yet I would like to postulate that, as the adage goes, looks are deceiving. To know the inside, we must know a person's secrets. That's where true intention lives, true thoughts, true actions.  Secrets define us. We are the secrets we keep.
Family secrets, guilty pleasures, things you do when you are alone in the car, what you think but never say, what you write in your diary. That is who you are because the things you never say are the things you believe and they guide your actions.
The abuse survivor, who never discusses the experience, goes through life believing that he or she caused the abuse because they sometimes provoked it purposely.
The person who goes quiet when jokes are made because not one knows that he or she is what is being mocked, feeling isolated and wrong.
And even the less serious - the person who picks his nose, the friend who made you swear never to tell about the time when ...., the invisible disdain she has for her husband's laugh.
This is who we really are.

Secrets, secrets are no fun

Secrets, secrets hurt someone

Perhaps due to my line of work I've seen secrets be weapons of metaphorical yet catastrophic wars. I think that often we are ashamed of these secret lives and we fear abandonment should anyone find out or retribution and revenge or humiliation. But it causes lies to fester and we believe the lies. It's safe in the short term to keep secrets and so they keep us, like prisoners we blackmail ourselves. We walked a fine line and do a pretty dance to appease the Secret Gods.

There are boundaries, things that we don't need to tell. What color it was, for example. And sometimes it's fun not to share - to have a mystery, to have something just for yourself. I'm not suggesting we say and do all for all, that we disregard privacy. But our secret lives are worth a peek in. It's worth evaluating if sometimes not coming clean about something we do only alone, is helping or hurting. And if it's hurting then stop the madness and tell the truth.

And the Truth shall set you free. 

Thirty, Flirty, and Thriving: 2013

I shall turn 30 this year. This is a big thing I'm looking forward to. I feel like this is true adulthood. I'm not poor or stupid anymore - but more on that later in the year.

I'm not sure the following are resolutions so much as goals.

1. I gotta read more. I compiled a list of books I really want to read and it's long. TV is out, the written word is in. (I'm not that extreme, but Imma date books a little more.)
2. I'm going to Europe. We're thinking UK.
3. I would like to take a guitar class. When you have a guitar for 5 years, at some point you should learn to use it. I want to learn at least 2 songs well, which means that people can tell what I'm trying to play.
4. Attend the temple at least monthly and not just 12 times, but with no more than 4 weeks between visits.
5. I'm going to do something better financially. I haven't decided yet what exactly, but my portfolio/wallet/checkbook/credit card/ etc is gonna get healthier.
5. I will run a 10K.
6. I'm really gonna get on that bone marrow registry list.

Bring it.

Looking back at 2012

2012 was a good year from Kate getting married to visiting the Civil War sites of the South to family and friend time. I enjoyed my book club (and read just 2 or 12 books, eek!), tried lots of new things, lived a full year in my own house, went on exactly 6 dates, turned 29 at an homage to the 20s, fell in love with Dolly Parton, and finished the Book of Mormon again.

Let's review the goals. (I can't report on all because I either did not succeed or they are too hard to quantify.) I really tried in my calling; it's important to me to show God I'm all in, not matter what and this is a great way. I put in a yard to my house, painted away the awful yellow,and  painted my piano green. I learned Prolonged Exposure therapy to treat PTSD and trauma. I really tried to be in the moment, especially when I was with people. And I took a photo class. Win, win, win.

Patriarchal Blessing Word Cloud

My lovely friend Ali suggested this awesome idea on her blog (go here for the how to). The idea is to use your patriarchal blessing to create word cloud, showing which words come up most frequently by making them the largest and others appropriately smaller. These aren't my blessing, but it shows how awesome it can be. We both used the free (and freely printable) website Tagxedo. What a neat way to show you important things from blessing to entire chapters of scripture. 

Christmas Miracle

Yesterday I went with some family members to see Les Miserables. Ah. Maz. Ing. If Anne Hathaway does not get the Oscar, the world is unjust. It was significantly different from the stage play, however I like the changes. The movies - with its close ups and elaborate set design - was much more emotional than the play. Some dialogue was altered which made the story easier to follow and actions makes more sense. I will be seeing it again. A.S.A.P.
As part of the experience we got soda and popcorn. This necessitated two trips to the loo for me. During the second trip I noticed my car key (I just keep have the one key, no others, no chain) in my shallow pocket and thought, "That's not very safe," and returned to enjoy the rest of the movie.
And when it was time to go I could find my key. We looked around out seats. We looked in the bathroom. We looked all along the path from the theater to the bathroom. We checked to see if it'd been turned in. Twice. I groped my pockets so much it was indecent.
We used AAA and called to have my doors unlocked (setting the alarm off) so I could at least get some things out. And we left my car.
Today I called the dealership to make me a new key. New keys run $155, they said, plus $30 to reprogram the key to the car. $185. An IPod, a trip to Cali (almost), a few nights in a hostel in Europe, and other things that I don't allow myself but here I would get to buy a car key. Isn't that what every 16 year old wishes for?
Oh, and the car needs to be towed to the dealership. I was on the phone with the tow truck folks all day. "19 trucks out," "busiest day in 2 years," "I promise I'll get to you before I go home," - "Wait - you're car is where? A parking garage? We can't get it out of a parking garage." Of course you can! I'm sure the parking garage would love to impound my car and if they can tow it, so can you!
Let's take a moment to recognize my sweet supporting actors. My uncle and aunt (who had their own car) were nice enough to wait with us. And everyone was so kind. My sister let me drive her car home (leaving her stranded at home all day today). I kept her updated what seemed like every hour on the hour. The plan was that once it all got sorted, she'd pick up the new key and get my car back to me. I'm a moron but you'd never know it by how they treated me. I felt so ashamed of such a stupid mistake. I'm usually the person who helps; I shouldn't need to be helped unless I'm not ambulatory - that's the only reason. I had to kind of suck it up and let others be the helpers.
I really didn't want to go to work today but it was a blessing because it helped me no ruminate so much. And ruminating would have been useless. There was nothing to do but wait until the tow truck could get to the car. At 4 pm I got a call from my sister.
"Cancel the tow truck. I found your key!" It had somehow slipped into her purse. A Christmas miracle.
I'd said prayers to find the key and truly thought this was one of those "but if not" scenarios - some times we can't get what we want and it's for our eternal well-being and progress. That's what I'd decided this was.
Turns out it was more of a Hannah story, a Helaman's warriors waiting for reinforcements story, an Abraham story. To build our faith to the highest degree, I think the Lord let's the faith-building experience goes as long as possible. If he didn't make Hannah wait so long, or if He'd reassured her earlier would she have gained so much faith? Helaman's warrior were starving and spread thin, help coming just at the last second. Abraham lifted the dagger before he was stopped from killing Isaac. I think gaining faith is the point of hard things (otherwise hard things are just cruel) so it makes sense to use one experience to the max. My sister didn't find the key until just before the tow truck was on its way. And perhaps the tow truck was stalled just so that it didn't get there before my sister checked her purse. When we are in trouble, I think it's helpful to understand that God loves to be the hero who comes in at the last minute; He wants to show us how strong we are until we can't life anymore.
So it's not a dramatic, end-of-the-world situation, but it was meaningful to me and showed me how things can work out even when I didn't think they would.

Stuff I Wish Parents Knew

I'm not a parent but I play one for my job, more or less. I don't want to judge anyone because I don't know exactly what I'd do in a given situation. That said, I've been able to learn from the successes and mistakes of the parents I work with and their kids and I have some ideas that might be helpful.

1. If you can just keep the kid alive and out of drugs I think most problems solve themselves. So she doesn't want to shave. It's gross but it's not the end of the world. Really, we're just counting down the days until the pre-frontal cortex kicks in. I'm not saying do nothing; I am saying don't freak out.

2. Time is usually on your side. Take a second (or longer) to think. You don't have to decide right now what to say or do. I do a lot of "hmmm" and "that's interesting." It buys time. And sometimes the great unknown is the greatest consequence for poor behavior.

3. It's ok not to give your kid stuff even if you can. It makes the stuff you have worth more. And, if they really want, they'll figure out a way to get it.

4. You probably know what you are doing better than you think.

5. Make your kids number one. Don't forget stuff if you can help it. Be reliable. Drop other stuff for them. Show up. Follow through. Put them first in (almost) everything (this does not mean be indulgent, it means be ready to sacrifice). Don't have kids unless you're ready for this, just don't. It makes a big difference in so many areas from anxiety to self confidence to your relationship to modeling good parenting.

6. If your kid is being a dork, it's not because they are a dork; it's because that's just all they know how to do. It's your job to teach them differently and make it stick. If that doesn't work, you have bigger problems than you know.

7. The first 18 months make a big difference. If your going to be a bad parent, try to do it after that time.

8. Teach values and religion. That whole bit about "I'll let them decide when they are older" is stupid. Give them something and then let them leave it later, but don't put them in this ship we call life without any sort of rudder.

9. If you don't want them to do something, you can't do it. I'm looking at the smokers here. And people who swear but don't want their kids to. And people who yell at others when they are mad or whine or blames others -- unless that's what you are looking for in a kid.

10. Point out all the good. Sometimes we get a little too comfortable in our discipline role and just tell them everything that needs changing. Lame. Whoever wanted to hear that? Not me. You know what I want to hear? How I rock.

The Vital Importance of Gilmore Girls

There was Full House and TGIF and Saved by the Bell, but the TV show that made the greatest impact on my young life was Gilmore Girls. The brain-child of Amy Sherman-Palladino, it's the story of Lorelai Gilmore, the energetic and quick-witted first TV "teen mom" (of course we see her as an adult), and her now-teen daughter, Rory, a smart, beautiful introvert. It's set in Stars Hallow, Conn - a town too perfect to be real, yet eerily similar to my home town.  The town is full of quirky characters, all of whom share the duos penchant for fast dialogue and odd traditions.
In a world of Dawson's Creek, Gilmore was something a kid who really wanted to be good and who was into school could relate to. Sometimes I think we make adolescence more emotional and dangerous than it is (see all of the offerings of ABC "Family"). Gilmore is drama, but it was fun, funny, engaging, happy, and me. Rory liked to read, liked to eat, liked to be around her family, liked boys but wasn't totally age-inappropriate, and didn't disdain adults. It's vital to see oneself if a character, to be reflected in entertainment, and in a way to be prompted about how someone like yourself might act. And I think having this as a teen is a right of passage and kind of an honor. Other people maybe had the Facts of Life or Growing Pains or Charles in Charge.

So I'd get together with my Leah and we'd watch. We'd talk faster after, we'd pick up on their games (we really played 1-2-3 He's Yours, a lot), and I still say "Oy, with the poodles already!" We recorded it  on VHS for posterity and I have the titles - to this day - of season one's episode memorized. Seasons one and two were really the best. When I went to college I happened to find Rory Gilmore yellow backpack and I'd actually feel smarter going to class with it. I kept it for all three years (Imma a smartie) until it was dead and it had to be put down.
So guys will remark, "You know, whenever I went into a girl's apartment they were always watching that show." They're amazed and I'm like, duh, you were around awesome girls. I still watch it. The first seasons (once A S-P left as a write it was never quite the same) are the best, the wittiest, and they still make me feel represented and important and like anything can happen.
Gilmore is alive and well still. It's in syndication, most girls I know own all the seasons on DVD (still have those VHS tapes somewhere), and people are still talking about it.  It's vitally important.

Congrats

Big ol' congrats to these two crazy love birds, who've been married for a month now. Love 'em.

Dinner in White

It's like a flash mob dinner. The day of we learned the location. At the appointment time, we showed up with dinner for two, tables, chairs, and all dressed in white. And ate, and chatted, and shared desserts, and listened to a jazz band play "Hit Me Baby (One More Time)"  and "Forget You." Lovely.