Mission memories

Today there was a special broadcast about missionary work. I enjoyed it but I also felt very, very jealous of current missionaries. I don't know exactly why I was so upset that I can't be a missionary but I think it might be because the mission is the one time in my life that I was 100% sure I was in the right place and that I was doing something more meaningful that anything I can think of. That's not to say the rest of my life was a waste of anything, just that my mission to Germany remains my best moment.

Which is interesting because I didn't see a lot of people come into the church and I was super stressed (unnecessarily so) most of the time. But I do believe I made some great connections with companions and with some members and Germany is a wonderful country that I miss so much it hurts.

I was looking at my photo album and here are some of my favorites in particular order. 

Doing dishes at the Outreach center in Duesseldorf

Frankfurt temple, in Friedrichsdorf, where I did tours. Here I'm with Sis. Kennard and I'm on the right (this was taken with a film camera). 

With Sister Kymalainen - shed a tear or two or eight! when we got split up

Schloss Braunfels with Sis Kymalainen

Nadja was baptized by her friend (and the real missionary) Florian. Lots of missionaries is this situation including Sis Bonke, Fuchs, Bradford, and moi.

Lovely Carolin, so glad we've been able to keep contact. Members rocks. 

Feelin' 22. Sis Kymalainen made me a special Finnish cake.

Schwester Winter - no idea what she was saying but she made me feel so calm and loved in a very foreign country

Street preach - my favorite thing to do. And this was neat because it was by what we called the "Dirty Bird" which is really the Lebensretter (Life Saver) but is oh so wrong. 

General Conference and Sis Bradford's first day. Sis Fuchs, me, Sis Turley, and Sis Bradford.  At one time or another each was my companion and we're all still friends. I mean, I was with Sis Fuchs on a trip when I found out my dad died. That's friendship.

All of my companions that were in the mission at the time. 

Fasching (or Carnival). Helau!

German national anthem and written out by Sis Reiter. It's catchy and gets stuck in your head easily.

Highs and Lows

So what do you think of life so far?

A high point of my life was going on a mission. It was also a low point, but mostly a high point. As of today, June 17, 2013, pretty sure this is the most worthwhile thing I've done with my almost 30 years. Although it was really stressful (low point) it was the period of my life where I've been the most sure that I was doing exactly the right thing (high point). 

A high point in my life has been traveling. I've been to 11 countries and 35 states which I think is a goodly number. 

Low point, I failed my AP History test in high school which was embarrassing because I was so sure I'd pass and everyone else apparently did. (I also didn't get into a PhD program, but this ended up being a high point because I have no friends in doctorate programs that are happy.) (Also, I passed the AP English test which was fine. Note to high school Megan, AP is a big waste of time. Let's talk about the semester's worth of credit you got through concurrent enrollment. Spend a semester memorizing anatomy and physiology, watching your teacher smoke, and learning from the Simpsons - high point.)

High point, graduating from grad school and having a job that I feel is meaningful, even if I sometimes want to punch people in the throat. Normally I love telling people what I do and I'm happy with myself. 

Low point, being a "late bloomer." Ok, not in the traditional sense but it's taken me a cool minute to do things that other people seem to do a lot sooner, like know what "tweak" is slang for and talk to boys. 

High point, learning to whistle. Probably also the moment when I made a joke in German and people laughed. I had a personality again.

Low point, when my dad got really sick and then stayed really sick. But it was also in a way a high point because I think our relationship for his last years kind of clarified my view of him so when he died it was ok. Had he died sooner I think I would have held a lot of resentment toward him for a long time. 

High point, buying a house and paying off my car. And painting a wall pink. And having everything exactly my way because, hey, it's my house. 

Low point, realizing how many hours have been spent watching movies and TV and reading people.com. And I still do it. I'm disgusting. 

High point I have rad friends. In fact, I was in Walmart today (this is going to be good) and I thought, maybe some people are ok living like this. I'm glad I don't have to. 

Low point, when I was eating Ramen again, because I'm alone and I don't want to cook. I don't think diabetes will look good on me. 

High point, figuring out that I can come up with high points a lot fast than low points. I think things are going pretty well. I feel really blessed. 

Life on the whole is a really good thing. M. Scott Peck, in The Road Less Traveled, says that once you accept that life is hard, it ceases to be hard. When you accept it on its terms, you don't feel so put out when it doesn't go your way. And you'll appreciate the good so much more because you'll see it as a blessing, not a right. I just don't want to die before I've seen all the really neat things the world has to offer, cuz, you know, YOLO.

FYI - I've been to: USA, Canada, Mexico, Guatemala, Germany, France, Austria, Finland, Sweden, Jamaica, Grand Cayman.

Music Download

Let's talk about what I'm listening to  and you should probably listen to as well. Some are relatively new discoveries and some I've love foreva. 

Fun. Everyone else is doing it. Their lyrics are complex and the music is actually musical, like someone took a class once at least, which is not something many can say, or don't act like they could say. I also really love running to their tunes. Some are just, excuse the pun, fun, but some are actually inspiring whilst you run. Like this one.

I love myself some Dolly. If you know me at all you will know of my worship. I like basically everything she touches but this song is great and kind of personifies the Dolly message.

Justin Timberlake. This represents everyone that is great about him. Falsetto, great beat, good lyrics, and dancing. 

I don't really get into Miley as a general rule, but this Bob Dylan cover I listen to on repeat.

And I'll always be listening to my Dashboard Confessional. 

I'll end this post with Mumford and Sons. Lyrics are tight and the musicality is off the chain. Plus I just about die of bliss whenever they harmonize. Carey Mulligan is a lucky lady. 

Too busy to blog

Well this is slightly out of character. I've been so fantastically occupied that I haven't blogged. (Ok, that's not the truth, but who said we are working with truth?) Although all of April was consumed with work and May was about catching up from April, I managed to have some rad things in my life as follows.

I visited Los Angeles for work and I was alone so I went to the Getty.  Pretty amazing. I was a little star struck in the  Impressionist room, cuz Imma major fan. 

In Los Angeles I found a Kate Spade store, which is not something  I've seen in the real. I wanted something designer and this was in my price range. Also, it completely expresses me.

And I went to the Symphony... quite a bit. 

This one featured John Williams' music. Pretty dope. 

And I hit up an opera. 

And a little more symphony.

Again for work I hit up San Diego. Why did no one explain how awesome Balboa Park is?

We started the Ladies' Dinner Club, where fine women and fine dining combine. 

And I took a hike.

And this kid came back from the mission. Photo bombs add a human quality.

And I cut bangs. So you can see a lot of great things happened. Thanks to Instagram for the documentation.

It's the Truth

We often consider ourselves more or less worthless and in some moods, even beyond help, and we approach the sacrament hesitantly and superficially. But worse still. We do not trust the good news. We do not trust the glad tidings. This is the Christ. This is He who pleads with us to come boldly to the throne of Grace. He knows our past and our future, and whatever our present soul sicknesses, He knows who we were in the premortal spheres and he does envision our future. In contrast to that, we live in the blur of amnesia about our past and we're subject to fits of doubt and disbelief about our real potential. But hear these words of Elder George Q. Cannon: "Now," he says, "this is the truth. We humble people, we who feel ourselves sometimes so worthless—so good for nothing. We are not so worthless as we think. There is not one of us but what God's love has been expended upon. There is not one of us that He has not cared for and caressed. There is not one of us that He has not desired to save and that he has not devised means to save. There is not one of us that He has not given his angels charge concerning. We may be insignificant and contemptible in our own eyes, and even in the eyes of others, but the truth remains that we are children of God and He has actually given his angels charge concerning us and they watch over us and have us in their keeping."

In His sacrament, the Lord gives us glimpses of ourselves. And in self-examination we are most blessed when we see ourselves as we are seen by Him and know ourselves as we are known by Him. In this world, we do not really grasp who we are until we know whose we are. And week after week the Master invites us to take upon us His name so that we will never forget whose we are. We are His.

Truman G Madsen, "The Savior, the Sacrament and Self-worth", Women's Conference 1999

Go ahead and jump!

In March I went on a tour of the South with my mom and sis. Beginning at the top left corner: Ocmulgee Indian Mounds, near Macon, GA; Lookout Point Battlefield, Chattanooga, TN; Wormsloe Ruins, Savannah GA; the same; Folly Island, SC; Tybee Island, GA; Ocmulgee Indian Mounds; Biltmore estate, Asheville, NC; Colonial cemetery, Savannah, GA; Folly Island, SC; Lookout Point Battlefield; Magnolia Plantation, Charleston SC; center is the Chattanooga Choo Choo in TN.

Fourth Nephi: the Great Divide

The Fourth Book of Nephi - a mere four pages of the compilation Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ - details nearly 300 years of ancient American history. It begins just after the visitation of the Savior of the world and shows a civilization so infused with the Christian gospel that for two hundred years "there could not be a happier people among all the people who had been created by the hand of God." Unfortunately, half-way through the chapter the wonder and impact of Christ's visit to the Americas seems to be wearing off and by the end of the chapter the people are chaotic, divided, and wary of one another. Sadly, I felt more connected to the people of the latter-half - the first half seems to good to be true and the second half is really the world we live in - everyone's just doing what comes naturally. The first half is happy and thriving and safe, a place where people trust each other and work together. I want to live there - or at least be a citizen at heart of such a community, so I wrote out a simple list of descriptions of the two civilizations, in the hope that I can set my life and my character to fit in the people of the first half.

Characteristics of “No Happier People”

·         Participated in baptism and receiving the Holy Ghost

·         No contentions because of the love of God

·         No disputations

·         Dealt justly

·         All things in common

·         No poor, all free

·         Partook of the Heavenly Gift (Atonement of Christ)

·         Miracles of healing

·         Build cities (economic growth)

·         Strength

·         Multiplied (population growth)

·         Fair and delightsome

·         Married in the covenant

·         Fasted and prayed

·         Attended church

·         No envyings, strifes, tumults, whoredoms, lyings, murders, lasciviousness

·         No robbers, murderers, or –ites; complete unity

·         Prosperity

·          

Characteristics of Natural Life

·         Revolt

·         -ites; disunity

·         Pride and vanity

·         Costly apparel, pearls, fine things of the world

·         No more common goods

·         Divided into classes

·         Build up churches unto themselves to get gain and denied true church of Christ

·         Denied gospel

·         Allowed wickedness and administered sacred things to the unworthy

·         Iniquity

·         Adversary has hold of their hearts

·         Persecute the church of God

·         Refuse true prophets/leaders of God; seek to kill them

·         Hard hearts

·         Willfully rebel and teach their children to rebel and to hate others

·         Secret oaths and combinations of Gadianton

·         Focus on wealth; hoard gold and silver, traffic in all manner of traffic

Defined by Secrets

It's a difficult thing. How am I to discern the emotional and physical safety of those around me? How am I to choose friends? How am I to trust others? Well, we look at them, we make educated guess based on appearance and behavior; over time we rely on previous experiences with the person. And so, the outward is the testator to the whole.
Yet I would like to postulate that, as the adage goes, looks are deceiving. To know the inside, we must know a person's secrets. That's where true intention lives, true thoughts, true actions.  Secrets define us. We are the secrets we keep.
Family secrets, guilty pleasures, things you do when you are alone in the car, what you think but never say, what you write in your diary. That is who you are because the things you never say are the things you believe and they guide your actions.
The abuse survivor, who never discusses the experience, goes through life believing that he or she caused the abuse because they sometimes provoked it purposely.
The person who goes quiet when jokes are made because not one knows that he or she is what is being mocked, feeling isolated and wrong.
And even the less serious - the person who picks his nose, the friend who made you swear never to tell about the time when ...., the invisible disdain she has for her husband's laugh.
This is who we really are.

Secrets, secrets are no fun

Secrets, secrets hurt someone

Perhaps due to my line of work I've seen secrets be weapons of metaphorical yet catastrophic wars. I think that often we are ashamed of these secret lives and we fear abandonment should anyone find out or retribution and revenge or humiliation. But it causes lies to fester and we believe the lies. It's safe in the short term to keep secrets and so they keep us, like prisoners we blackmail ourselves. We walked a fine line and do a pretty dance to appease the Secret Gods.

There are boundaries, things that we don't need to tell. What color it was, for example. And sometimes it's fun not to share - to have a mystery, to have something just for yourself. I'm not suggesting we say and do all for all, that we disregard privacy. But our secret lives are worth a peek in. It's worth evaluating if sometimes not coming clean about something we do only alone, is helping or hurting. And if it's hurting then stop the madness and tell the truth.

And the Truth shall set you free. 

Thirty, Flirty, and Thriving: 2013

I shall turn 30 this year. This is a big thing I'm looking forward to. I feel like this is true adulthood. I'm not poor or stupid anymore - but more on that later in the year.

I'm not sure the following are resolutions so much as goals.

1. I gotta read more. I compiled a list of books I really want to read and it's long. TV is out, the written word is in. (I'm not that extreme, but Imma date books a little more.)
2. I'm going to Europe. We're thinking UK.
3. I would like to take a guitar class. When you have a guitar for 5 years, at some point you should learn to use it. I want to learn at least 2 songs well, which means that people can tell what I'm trying to play.
4. Attend the temple at least monthly and not just 12 times, but with no more than 4 weeks between visits.
5. I'm going to do something better financially. I haven't decided yet what exactly, but my portfolio/wallet/checkbook/credit card/ etc is gonna get healthier.
5. I will run a 10K.
6. I'm really gonna get on that bone marrow registry list.

Bring it.

Looking back at 2012

2012 was a good year from Kate getting married to visiting the Civil War sites of the South to family and friend time. I enjoyed my book club (and read just 2 or 12 books, eek!), tried lots of new things, lived a full year in my own house, went on exactly 6 dates, turned 29 at an homage to the 20s, fell in love with Dolly Parton, and finished the Book of Mormon again.

Let's review the goals. (I can't report on all because I either did not succeed or they are too hard to quantify.) I really tried in my calling; it's important to me to show God I'm all in, not matter what and this is a great way. I put in a yard to my house, painted away the awful yellow,and  painted my piano green. I learned Prolonged Exposure therapy to treat PTSD and trauma. I really tried to be in the moment, especially when I was with people. And I took a photo class. Win, win, win.