It has come to my attention that, like Sarah Palin, I have been subject to a number of rumors, spread via various vicious mediums, on a number of life and death topics. In this most accurate post I shall dispel these horrific and unfortunant rumors.
1. I do not participate in mixed martial arts. Although I have catlike reflexes and amazing mental stamina, I cannot effectively hold a victim's cranium between my thighs while inflicting other forms of torture with my fingers and ankles on his or her weak body. Also, it is unladylike.
2. I have never been a foot model. Some may say that my foot has the perfect toe formation and hue for peddling such wares as very small CTR rings and special pedicure lotions of berry and citric varieties. However, my high arch put an end to an otherwise lucrative and successful career.
3. I can do algebra. Reports have been circulated by vindictive, dishonorable muckrakers that I cannot compute algebraic equations. I admit that I have said myself that I cannot come to know the true character of the illusive "x" nor his compadres, aptly named "y" or even "z." Alas, it has been revealed to me that I can, in fact, tell you that a train leaving Baltimore at 8 pm heading for Pittsburgh will never cross paths with the 6 pm commuter out of Mesa heading for Phoenix - no matter how fast or slow they go. It's mathematically impossible.
4. I have never claimed to be a Bush. I was never the Bush twins' triplet. I don't believe in Bushes. I mean, I believe they exist. I just don't believe they should.
5. I don't care, in fact, for long walks on the beach. If a person... take me for instance... if I were to, say, want to spend a lot of time with someone with whom I am, say, romantically interested - even involved -- I would get a beach cruiser and ride really fast. Riding really fast makes everyone happy. He'll equate me with happiness.
6. My daughter is not pregnant. I don't even have a daughter. Or a son. I have no children. And I've never even tried moose stew. I think that sounds gross.
I want you all to understand and know, really know, that what I have written here is the absolute truth. So when naysayers and doubters tell you otherwise, say to them, "No, that's not how it is, man."