Defined by Secrets

It's a difficult thing. How am I to discern the emotional and physical safety of those around me? How am I to choose friends? How am I to trust others? Well, we look at them, we make educated guess based on appearance and behavior; over time we rely on previous experiences with the person. And so, the outward is the testator to the whole.
Yet I would like to postulate that, as the adage goes, looks are deceiving. To know the inside, we must know a person's secrets. That's where true intention lives, true thoughts, true actions.  Secrets define us. We are the secrets we keep.
Family secrets, guilty pleasures, things you do when you are alone in the car, what you think but never say, what you write in your diary. That is who you are because the things you never say are the things you believe and they guide your actions.
The abuse survivor, who never discusses the experience, goes through life believing that he or she caused the abuse because they sometimes provoked it purposely.
The person who goes quiet when jokes are made because not one knows that he or she is what is being mocked, feeling isolated and wrong.
And even the less serious - the person who picks his nose, the friend who made you swear never to tell about the time when ...., the invisible disdain she has for her husband's laugh.
This is who we really are.

Secrets, secrets are no fun
Secrets, secrets hurt someone

Perhaps due to my line of work I've seen secrets be weapons of metaphorical yet catastrophic wars. I think that often we are ashamed of these secret lives and we fear abandonment should anyone find out or retribution and revenge or humiliation. But it causes lies to fester and we believe the lies. It's safe in the short term to keep secrets and so they keep us, like prisoners we blackmail ourselves. We walked a fine line and do a pretty dance to appease the Secret Gods.

There are boundaries, things that we don't need to tell. What color it was, for example. And sometimes it's fun not to share - to have a mystery, to have something just for yourself. I'm not suggesting we say and do all for all, that we disregard privacy. But our secret lives are worth a peek in. It's worth evaluating if sometimes not coming clean about something we do only alone, is helping or hurting. And if it's hurting then stop the madness and tell the truth.

And the Truth shall set you free. 


Thirty, Flirty, and Thriving: 2013

I shall turn 30 this year. This is a big thing I'm looking forward to. I feel like this is true adulthood. I'm not poor or stupid anymore - but more on that later in the year.

I'm not sure the following are resolutions so much as goals.

1. I gotta read more. I compiled a list of books I really want to read and it's long. TV is out, the written word is in. (I'm not that extreme, but Imma date books a little more.)
2. I'm going to Europe. We're thinking UK.
3. I would like to take a guitar class. When you have a guitar for 5 years, at some point you should learn to use it. I want to learn at least 2 songs well, which means that people can tell what I'm trying to play.
4. Attend the temple at least monthly and not just 12 times, but with no more than 4 weeks between visits.
5. I'm going to do something better financially. I haven't decided yet what exactly, but my portfolio/wallet/checkbook/credit card/ etc is gonna get healthier.
5. I will run a 10K.
6. I'm really gonna get on that bone marrow registry list.

Bring it.

Looking back at 2012

2012 was a good year from Kate getting married to visiting the Civil War sites of the South to family and friend time. I enjoyed my book club (and read just 2 or 12 books, eek!), tried lots of new things, lived a full year in my own house, went on exactly 6 dates, turned 29 at an homage to the 20s, fell in love with Dolly Parton, and finished the Book of Mormon again.

Let's review the goals. (I can't report on all because I either did not succeed or they are too hard to quantify.) I really tried in my calling; it's important to me to show God I'm all in, not matter what and this is a great way. I put in a yard to my house, painted away the awful yellow,and  painted my piano green. I learned Prolonged Exposure therapy to treat PTSD and trauma. I really tried to be in the moment, especially when I was with people. And I took a photo class. Win, win, win.