I often repeat myself. I do it in therapy. There seems to be themes or "kicks" I go on. One theme that continual arises is that of positivity. Like, when did negative thinking every help anyone out of a bind? I think some people are addicted to feeling like crap. It's such a crucial part of their identity and way of getting pitiful attention, that even if they could give it up, they wouldn't. 
I have an awesome co-therapist, Eric. And I could just sit as his feet and catch all the pearls of wisdom that role from his tongue. This week he made an awesome point in a group therapy. No matter what has happened to you in life, you have to take responsibility for it. If my childhood was so messed up that I can barely function and it was not in any way my fault, I still have the responsibility to go to therapy, daily if needed, get the right meds, reads all the books, and do whatever it takes to make myself well. It's not my fault that my life sucks (maybe) but it is my fault if things aren't taken care of.
Today I just had an experience with a person that is do hell-bent on feeling like #$%^ that I want to murder this person and say "Tell me now what sucks." And this person is doing a grand total of squat to take care of things. So I have about a poop's worth of empathy. This is the place in my story where my supervisor refers to DBT and tells me that all people are doing their best... maybe they need to do better, he says, but they're doing their best.
Swear words. Radical acceptance. 
I'm not speaking about people with serious illness. I understand depression. I really do. I'm talking about something else (although depressed people have the responsibility to take care of that too). I struggle to accept people who make it everyone else's job to keep them happy. It's entitlement. It's never being satisfied with what you have. Look around, sister/brother, you don't deserve any of it. We all don't. You are so focused on what God hasn't given you, that you ignore what He has given you. Enjoy the misery but please don't tell me about it. 
There is so much good in life. And you, dear friend, have it so good. You are asleep right now and not worried about if you will eat tomorrow, or if you will be caught in the cross-fire, or if your government will suddenly decide that they'd be better off if you were dead. You aren't worried that your dad is going to come into your room tonight and mess up all the intimate relationships you may ever have. You know where every single family member is right now. Every limb works. You can be whatever you want to be because your brain functions at a high capacity. You have expendable cash. Your family loves you. You have free time to sit around feeling sorry for yourself. There is gorgeous snow and in a few months, beautiful flowers, and warm summer evenings, and clouds and sunsets, and dirt, and the smell of freshly cut grass or when the heater comes on for the first time that season. You aren't thinking that your husband is going to leave you, that your kids will despise you. You aren't alone somewhere waiting to die; you just live like you are. Your house is warm in the winter and cool in the summer. I could go on but I'm about to get into my large, warm bed, and sleep soundly so I can have energy at my job that I love. 
I hope you can see the beauty that is already around you. One day. And when you do, I'd love to talk.



So tonight I got rejected for the first time. I know, crazy. What was he thinking? Yeah, and I've never been honestly and assuredly rejected. 
I've been, in a sick way, looking forward to rejection. It means I get Ben and Jerry's and I can cry and it's like one of my favorite episodes of Gilmore, when Rory and Dean are broken up and Rory refuses to wallow but then she kisses Tristan and decides to wallow after all. 
Tonight wasn't exactly that night however. It just wasn't that bad and I'd feel kind of stupid crying over something so small for drama's sake. But I did talk to Kate for a while and began crying as I related the following story.
What I was about 15 or so, I really wanted pizza one day. Out of the blue. I thought and thought about how I could get some pizza but just couldn't figure anything out. But I really wanted pizza so I cried. Big elephant tears I cried. My mom came into my room and saw my big tears.
"What is the matter?!"
I looked up at her to explain, "I just really want some pizza."
And she got me pizza. And everything was fine.
I guess tonight all my 15-year old emotions came back. I remembered how I felt that day that I really wanted pizza (for no apparent reason) and then my mom was merciful enough to get it to me.
Why have I told these two stories together? I tell them because they happened chronologically. Or is the pizza now just a metaphor for what I lost tonight? Is this just happenstance? 
Unless you're a Freudian, it was happenstance.



Today President Obama was inaugurated (a word which is very difficult to spell). I enjoyed watching it because of many reasons but my favorite reason is unity. Just like at the Opening Ceremonies for the Beijing Olympics, today everyone  was unity and cheerful about one thing. I like that. So often we concentrate we disagree on and are unhappy with. Today everyone could just be happy.
If you were wondering about some other reasons -- I really like the President's speech and even quoted several things later on in the day during a group I ran. I like Michelle Obama's wardrobe and what the little girls wore too. So Jackie O. It must be recognized. I have a lot of hope for this presidency. Although I don't agree with everything (I doubt anyone does) I agree with a lot, if not most. 
Will Guatanamo be closed tomorrow?


Elna Baker

Above is part of the standup comedy routine of Elna Baker. I first heard of her this Sunday while I was listening to a piece she had done (scroll to the bottom of the link to find her piece) on This American Life. At the end of the piece, This American Life publicized her new book The New York Regional Mormon Singles Halloween Dance. Mormon? My interest was peeked and sure enough, she's LDS.... and practicing.
I was stoked because -- according to what I can find on the internet -- she is also a fairly successful comedian -- as in, she actually is a working comedian. She uses religion as a main joke but I don't think it comes off mocking and apologetic to her "quirks".... just as a funny part of her. Watch the clip and notice that she acts like she's giving a funny talk. She's definitely a Mormon. Check it out and let me know what you think.



Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve. 
Napoleon Hill, author

Reflecting on last year's resolutions, I've made progress. I have not created or stuck to any sort of health routine. I began at least recording my financial situation and am slowly developing a retrenchment style and habit. I did make it to Europe. Also, in some other post, I said I wanted to go to rock concert which I did! So I feel successful and really pleased with the memories I made in 2008. 

2009, new year, new possibilities. I really love change (I hear that's odd) because it's exciting to think what might just be. There's a saying that life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself. I believe it. I am a product of my own choices. 2009 is a whole 12 months of new choices. Resolutions are just goals that direct my choices. 

For this year:
1. Be healthy.
2. Fall in love.
3. Get to Germany and Paris. Failure is not an option. 
4. Be more thoughtful. 
5. More family time. 
6. Buy a bike.
7. Take advice. 

2009 will be a great year.