I am in Idaho visiting my brother and his wonderful family. We visited Halle's grave. I'd never been there before. Halle is my niece who died at birth; I wasn't there for anything because I was on my mission in Germany. On the headstone, under her name and the date, it read, "The crown without the conflict." I can't even begin to describe the impact of the statement. It's kind of weird. I mean, I wasn't here for any of it -- pregnancy, the tests, the outcome, the funeral. And I'm the aunt, not the mom or sibling or anything. But I'm still really bummed about it.
I also went for a bike ride with my eight year-old niece. I haven't ridden for at least two years. And I remembered how much I enjoy it. There is something earthy about riding. I'm not into mountain biking or cycling, but around-the-town stuff is idyllic and quaint and lovely. Resolved: repair bike; buy basket. Then we jumped on the tramp which is the only exhilaration my circulatory system has experienced for months. It was fall-like weather and we sat outside and watched my brother play football with my nephew and some cousins. Sitting outside is so enjoyable. And I was thinking how if everyone had a childhood like this then there wouldn't be so many problems in the world.
Later my thoughts went downward. I began thinking, I don't want this life. It seemed like nothing was getting done, we were just living. And although pleasant, it felt non productive (Save me any lectures on how being a mother is a great responsibility and job and you are saving souls because I believe you). I did the dishes while everyone got ready for bed before crashing for a movie. I told my nephew that the best way to work was with loud music. I turned on Natasha Bedingfield's Love Like This and went to work. And had the epiphany that while absolutely nothing was wrong in the way my brother and his wife are raising their kids, not everything about it was my style. And I can do family life in my own style - with loud music. And chintz. And more dancing that is probably good for my kids' social status.
Also, I reread a text message that made me happy. It was from a dear friend who wrote simply, "I love you so much angel face." Good times.
4 comments:
Amen to good loud music. We will have the kind of family where the kids don't listen to Barney and Pricess music. They will however, love Pearl Jam and Kings of Leon and Rilo Kiley, and anything else that is good, wholesome, lovely and of good report. I am glad I am not the only one who thinks loud music is the way to go.
Megan I love your style of writing. Will you please write a book.
Sometimes I'm not sure about your more opionated blogs--although it is fun to hear your deep thoughts. I was a little confused when you said you didn't want the kind of life where you enjoyed a pleasant evening outdoors while the children played. What does that mean? That when you have a family your evenings will be taken up differently with more productive pursuits (than jumping on the trampoline or chatting with family), or does it mean that if you are truthful, you really don't want a family because its not fast-paced enough? Or does it just mean that in your family there will always be loud music? I feel like I have so much more to say but this is just a place for comments so maybe I should get my own blog!
I think I skipped a step in my blog. I didn't mean that I don't want a beautiful relaxing life, more that I also want a lot of loud music in my life and to parent in my own style. There was nothing wrong with the style I saw except that it wasn't my style. So that's something I'll change.
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