I want that too

Not sure what brought on this post. Just a random thought, not to be taken too too seriously.

Telling a single person, such as myself, to get with the program and fall in love is like unto:

Telling an infertile couple to try harder

Telling a starving child to go get a sandwich

Telling a teacher to make a million

Telling William Hung to win American Idol

All of us want what our advice givers want. We're doing all we can. But it's just not like grocery shopping. Some things are out of our control when it comes right down to it. I wish the focus would change from convincing people they should do what they already want to do and just focus on things that are in our control and are going well. I'm dealing with it in my way. Please do your best, dear friends, to not point out how out of control it is by asking me to control the impossible-to-control. 

Some unhelpful, well-intentioned things:

"I don't understand why you aren't married" (yeah, me neither)

Depending on who it's coming from - "I have someone to set you up with" (says to me, "You must be doing something wrong so I'll fix it)

"You need to get with the program" (is that what I'm supposed to be doing? never occurred to me)

"I just wish you could get married" (yeah, me too -- what are you expecting me to say?)

Some helpful, well-intentioned things:

"You look hot"

"What's up?"

"Did you see The Office?" (no seriously, it was hilarious)

"I love you"

I don't want this to be a wo-is-me post, because that is not how I approach life -- see below. This is just a random post about a fact that's kind of a big deal to me. Like, I'm doing and thinking about other stuff, but, yeah, I'd really like to be in love and even married. And I'm not weird for wanting that because I was built that way. But, like I said, I'm not, like, sitting around waiting for Prince Charming (because, with a name like that, he's probably gay) so don't get the wrong idea about this post. 

I'm going to go to bed now. If nothing else, we all can sleep -- medically induced or otherwise. :)

Blessed

I often repeat myself. I do it in therapy. There seems to be themes or "kicks" I go on. One theme that continual arises is that of positivity. Like, when did negative thinking every help anyone out of a bind? I think some people are addicted to feeling like crap. It's such a crucial part of their identity and way of getting pitiful attention, that even if they could give it up, they wouldn't. 

I have an awesome co-therapist, Eric. And I could just sit as his feet and catch all the pearls of wisdom that role from his tongue. This week he made an awesome point in a group therapy. No matter what has happened to you in life, you have to take responsibility for it. If my childhood was so messed up that I can barely function and it was not in any way my fault, I still have the responsibility to go to therapy, daily if needed, get the right meds, reads all the books, and do whatever it takes to make myself well. It's not my fault that my life sucks (maybe) but it is my fault if things aren't taken care of.

Today I just had an experience with a person that is do hell-bent on feeling like #$%^ that I want to murder this person and say "Tell me now what sucks." And this person is doing a grand total of squat to take care of things. So I have about a poop's worth of empathy. This is the place in my story where my supervisor refers to DBT and tells me that all people are doing their best... maybe they need to do better, he says, but they're doing their best.

Swear words. Radical acceptance. 

I'm not speaking about people with serious illness. I understand depression. I really do. I'm talking about something else (although depressed people have the responsibility to take care of that too). I struggle to accept people who make it everyone else's job to keep them happy. It's entitlement. It's never being satisfied with what you have. Look around, sister/brother, you don't deserve any of it. We all don't. You are so focused on what God hasn't given you, that you ignore what He has given you. Enjoy the misery but please don't tell me about it. 

There is so much good in life. And you, dear friend, have it so good. You are asleep right now and not worried about if you will eat tomorrow, or if you will be caught in the cross-fire, or if your government will suddenly decide that they'd be better off if you were dead. You aren't worried that your dad is going to come into your room tonight and mess up all the intimate relationships you may ever have. You know where every single family member is right now. Every limb works. You can be whatever you want to be because your brain functions at a high capacity. You have expendable cash. Your family loves you. You have free time to sit around feeling sorry for yourself. There is gorgeous snow and in a few months, beautiful flowers, and warm summer evenings, and clouds and sunsets, and dirt, and the smell of freshly cut grass or when the heater comes on for the first time that season. You aren't thinking that your husband is going to leave you, that your kids will despise you. You aren't alone somewhere waiting to die; you just live like you are. Your house is warm in the winter and cool in the summer. I could go on but I'm about to get into my large, warm bed, and sleep soundly so I can have energy at my job that I love. 

I hope you can see the beauty that is already around you. One day. And when you do, I'd love to talk.

Rejected!

So tonight I got rejected for the first time. I know, crazy. What was he thinking? Yeah, and I've never been honestly and assuredly rejected. 

I've been, in a sick way, looking forward to rejection. It means I get Ben and Jerry's and I can cry and it's like one of my favorite episodes of Gilmore, when Rory and Dean are broken up and Rory refuses to wallow but then she kisses Tristan and decides to wallow after all. 

Tonight wasn't exactly that night however. It just wasn't that bad and I'd feel kind of stupid crying over something so small for drama's sake. But I did talk to Kate for a while and began crying as I related the following story.

What I was about 15 or so, I really wanted pizza one day. Out of the blue. I thought and thought about how I could get some pizza but just couldn't figure anything out. But I really wanted pizza so I cried. Big elephant tears I cried. My mom came into my room and saw my big tears.

"What is the matter?!"

I looked up at her to explain, "I just really want some pizza."

And she got me pizza. And everything was fine.

I guess tonight all my 15-year old emotions came back. I remembered how I felt that day that I really wanted pizza (for no apparent reason) and then my mom was merciful enough to get it to me.

Why have I told these two stories together? I tell them because they happened chronologically. Or is the pizza now just a metaphor for what I lost tonight? Is this just happenstance? 

Unless you're a Freudian, it was happenstance.

Inauguration

Today President Obama was inaugurated (a word which is very difficult to spell). I enjoyed watching it because of many reasons but my favorite reason is unity. Just like at the Opening Ceremonies for the Beijing Olympics, today everyone  was unity and cheerful about one thing. I like that. So often we concentrate we disagree on and are unhappy with. Today everyone could just be happy.

If you were wondering about some other reasons -- I really like the President's speech and even quoted several things later on in the day during a group I ran. I like Michelle Obama's wardrobe and what the little girls wore too. So Jackie O. It must be recognized. I have a lot of hope for this presidency. Although I don't agree with everything (I doubt anyone does) I agree with a lot, if not most. 

Will Guatanamo be closed tomorrow?

Elna Baker

Above is part of the standup comedy routine of Elna Baker. I first heard of her this Sunday while I was listening to a piece she had done (scroll to the bottom of the link to find her piece) on This American Life. At the end of the piece, This American Life publicized her new book The New York Regional Mormon Singles Halloween Dance. Mormon? My interest was peeked and sure enough, she's LDS.... and practicing.

I was stoked because -- according to what I can find on the internet -- she is also a fairly successful comedian -- as in, she actually is a working comedian. She uses religion as a main joke but I don't think it comes off mocking and apologetic to her "quirks".... just as a funny part of her. Watch the clip and notice that she acts like she's giving a funny talk. She's definitely a Mormon. Check it out and let me know what you think.

Resolved

Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve. 

Napoleon Hill, author

Reflecting on last year's resolutions, I've made progress. I have not created or stuck to any sort of health routine. I began at least recording my financial situation and am slowly developing a retrenchment style and habit. I did make it to Europe. Also, in some other post, I said I wanted to go to rock concert which I did! So I feel successful and really pleased with the memories I made in 2008. 

2009, new year, new possibilities. I really love change (I hear that's odd) because it's exciting to think what might just be. There's a saying that life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself. I believe it. I am a product of my own choices. 2009 is a whole 12 months of new choices. Resolutions are just goals that direct my choices. 

For this year:

1. Be healthy.

2. Fall in love.

3. Get to Germany and Paris. Failure is not an option. 

4. Be more thoughtful. 

5. More family time. 

6. Buy a bike.

7. Take advice. 

2009 will be a great year. 

Crepe Party

Lots of people in my area have gone home for Christmas. Lots, like me, are left behind. So I got the leftovers together for a little crepe-action.

I made the crepes ahead of time, separated each crepe with wax paper, and stuck them in the over until party -time.

 

We love fun people! We chatted it up and watched our fair share of youtube. We have some celebrities among us. Here's Rhiannon's dance and Tom's version of Survivor Man.

Our favorite toppings including the latin Dulce de Leche, Nutella, and berries. When everyone brings something we can get quite a spread. And when you invite some really enjoyable friends, you also get quite a spread.

Organizational Skills

I bought a shelf, hooks, and magazine rack all for under $10 at Ikea. My brother Ty came over to help me install. I learned how to drill. The process was exciting and the resulting very satisfying.

Saturation

I love University Ave. They've really made it awesome. A few weeks ago Kathy and I took a long walk down the Ave to duck into a few favorite businesses. We discovered a new restaurant, the PennyRoyale Cafe. It was shabby chic serving mostly vegan food and hot chocolate. However just recently we had begun frequented a near by hangout, Spark, which is a "restaurant/longue" for mocktails and a sense of superiority and fun. Our thought, how could we support both places?

I began thinking about oversaturation of markets.

I remember hearing a story on NPR about how one contributor to the current financial situation was the oversaturation of the general markets. So many new businesses opened but the consumer could not adequately support everything and thus many went under -- really good businesses -- supported by loans (foreclosure anyone?) leaving folks unemployed and dreams dashed. Maybe you will say that this is life and get used to it. But I think a lot of really good ideas died because there was just too much of a good thing.

For instance, we have Starbucks, and Seattle's Best (which really is the best), and Brewers, and numerous mom and pop cafes. Does anyone need this much hot chocolate? Perhaps. However, it's true that it's great to be able to find your favorite, but if the "vote" is split, my favorite place might go under. 

There is oversaturation in other circumstances. And it leads to a decrease in value of the the product-- when supply exceeds demand. 

I'm not going to make any judgment of the Duggar Family (pictured),but I wonder how you support -- emotionally, mentally, physically, etc -- almost 18 children. Kudos and good luck. 

My ward is oversaturated with girls. The boys cannot possibly romantically support ever girl. And their small minds are overwhelmed by sheer mass of option which paralyzes them.  

Land Before Time -- not stopping at number one has decreased the value of the franchise and made it a joke (there are at least 11 by my count). 

Teens -- they drive me nuts and they're everywhere. :) 

With so many homes on the market, values drop (which is both good and bad). 

There are so many models of cars that we've lost a classic and individualistic styles and the companies are going out (oh wait - the government decided to absolve consequence of poor choices -- just kidding on the last comment). The companies should focus on perfecting a few good models. My parents can still name year and model of old 1960s-era cars. Let's go there again.   

The PennyRoyal Cafe ended up not meeting expectations upon closer inspection so Spark is safe. But had it been amazing, my "vote" would have been split and if that happened to enough people we could have ended up losing both businesses. Not cool.

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